6 Steps to Get Your Hurt Relationship Partner to Give You Another Chance
Full disclosure: If the pain or trust breach is too intense, they may never. This isn't guaranteed to work. It's just the only way to even have a shot.
5-star review of This is How Your Marriage Ends:
“If you want a no BS ‘this is what is happening and this is how you’re screwing it up’ book read this. I read a lot of books on relationships. This is probably the best I’ve read so far. It is written for men—but women should also read this with an open mind. This is a universal experience! Excellent book!” - Kate
This is How Your Marriage Ends is 40% off on Amazon, available in local bookstores, or you can order an author-signed copy here from my friends at Islandport Media.
One relationship partner says to the other: “Let’s just start over. Wipe the slate clean. Start fresh.”
Sounds nice, in theory.
But this is not how trust works. Whether it’s something major like betrayal trauma, or something more bland and nuanced, like an invalidation-heavy conflict pattern in our conversations, a person who has been hurt by the actions or words of someone else can forgive, forgive, forgive—and trust CAN be restored—but the slate never gets wiped clean.
The ledger never conveniently returns to zero.
It’s fair to ask someone to try to build a new relationship with us. And I think with the right set of relationship skills and habits, we can succeed.
But we NEVER go from broken or majorly eroded trust to everything being cool again with someone else without meaningful repair work.
Acknowledge what happened to them, even if no wrongdoing or harm was intended.
Demonstrate understanding of WHY that event or behavior eroded or broke trust between the two of you.
Apologize. It’s not “I’m sorry I did a bad thing!” Maybe you didn’t do anything bad. You probably didn’t. It’s: “I’m so sorry that happened to you and that you couldn’t trust me to know ahead of time how it would affect you.”
Explain what steps you’ll take to avoid the trust-eroding or trust-breaking behavior from happening again.
Make amends, if necessary.
Spend the rest of your life following through on the new promise that you made.
THAT’s the process. The long, difficult way.
Not a magical instantaneous reset paid for by the emotional equity of the person who has been hurt the most.
Instead, there must be a consistent demonstration over time that they don’t need to worry about the painful and/or trust-breaking thing happening again.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
Matt, I've a question. How does the support group work in our attempts to modify our behaviors in becoming more mindful of our partner in contrast with a one-hour session with you? It seems to me that one hour is not really enough time to alter one's behavior after a lifetime of repeated habits of thought. My email is..... mailmanjoe2001@gmail.com