Choosing a Partner? Focus on the Red Flags First

I'm cringing at my cynicism here, but I think it's true: In long-term relationships, the good stuff won't save you nearly as often as the bad stuff will end you

Note: Thank you to my friends at The Good Men Project, and writer Sue Nador, for inspiring this article.

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I’m not a marriage counselor or therapist, but more often than not I’m hearing the same stories and covering much of the same ground in my relationship coaching work as one might in counseling/therapy.

And there’s an inconvenient truth that permeates many of the marriages I encounter: It’s common for someone to want to divorce a spouse they love and care for.

Sometimes, love dies. But not always. More often, what’s usually happening is someone is hurting so much that escaping the pain emanating from their marriage seems like the less-painful option than staying in it. It’s not a choice between one good and one bad option; it’s a choice between two bad ones—except one appears to hurt less. That’s why it can take upwards of 30-40 years for some people to take the leap.

I’m no expert on attraction or romance. I’ll be 46 soon, and I don’t think I can articulate with any precision what attracts me to a person when considering long-term romantic partnership. Like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said when describing his test for obscenity in 1964: “I know it when I see it.”

But it’s thematically the same for all of us, right?

Someone looks a way we find attractive and stimulating. We observe how they treat others. We learn more about their personality and interests and family history and hopes and dreams. We learn what they do professionally, or when we’re young, what they hope to do one day. We meet their friends. And finally, there’s the somewhat intangible factor of “how they make us feel.”

And when most of that stuff is positive, and the “feelings” thing yields more positive than negative returns, sometimes we decide to formally share life with the other person.

Much of it is great. And I don’t mean to discount all of the great parts, because they matter.

But there are also the parts that aren’t great. The parts that bring sadness, anger, and fear. The moments when we feel let down, abandoned, or betrayed.

And an uncomfortable truth of the human experience is this: Negative events hit us harder and “weigh more” to us than positive events do. I’m not an expert in biology, but I’m pretty sure it’s part of our survival instincts. Pain and negative outcomes are excellent, memorable teaching moments—often more so than those beautiful moments of joy we experience.

According to relationship researcher and author Dr. John Gottman, the magic ratio is 5 to 1. What does this mean? This means that for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive ones.

Stable and happy couples share more positive feelings and actions than negative ones. They must! Because negative experiences hit harder than the positive ones.

Don’t Marry Someone for Their Good Qualities. Marry Them for Their Faults, Sue Nador Smartly Says

That was the headline and article I saw earlier which inspired this: Don’t Marry Someone for Their Good Qualities. Marry Them for Their Faults.

My favorite writer Mark Manson likes to ask the following question: “What’s your favorite flavor of shit sandwich?”

Author Elizabeth Gilbert likes him too and wrote about this in her book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear:

What Manson means is that every single pursuit—no matter how wonderful and exciting and glamorous it may initially seem—comes with its own brand of shit sandwich, its own lousy side effects.

As Manson writes with profound wisdom: “Everything sucks, some of the time.” You just have to decide what sort of suckage you’re willing to deal with.

So the question is not so much “What are you passionate about?” The question is “What are you passionate enough about that you can endure the most disagreeable aspects of the work?”

Manson explains it this way: “If you want to be a professional artist, but you aren’t willing to see your work rejected hundreds, if not thousands, of times, then you’re done before you start.

If you want to be a hotshot court lawyer, but can’t stand the eighty-hour workweeks, then I’ve got bad news for you.” Because if you love and want something enough—whatever it is—then you don’t really mind eating the shit sandwich that comes with it.”

And this is precisely how people should think about choosing a life partner.

Instead of focusing so much on checking all the boxes of “the kind of person we want to be with,” take a hard look at all of the things that suck (even if only to you!) about the other person.

This isn’t defamation of character here. It’s about recognizing traits in someone else that negatively affect you in some way. It can be something minor, like being a baseball super fan while they hate baseball, so now 162 times per year (plus playoffs), you’re going to be reminded of this inconvenient mismatch.

And there will be countless other differences—some minor annoyances, some deeply painful.

It will be those “negative” things—the ones you accept and can live with—that determine your relationship’s long-term health and longevity.

The suckage you choose.

Not the many good things that will, inevitably, never feel good enough.

Because, tragically, pain weighs more than pleasure.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF