Don’t Be Sorry About That; Be Sorry About This

Don't be sorry for the crime you didn't commit. That's silly. But maybe consider being sorry for what just happened to the other person who you care about.

(Image/Very Well Mind)

---

"Allison Raskin’s I Do (I Think) brilliantly captures the essence of modern relationships with humor and insight. With her wit, depth, and relatability, Raskin invites us into a candid exploration of what it means to choose a life partner in today’s ever-changing social landscape. This is an essential read in understanding the intricacies of human connection, offering a fresh perspective on marriage that both challenges and comforts its readers." —Jessica Baum, LMHC, author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love

Allison Raskin

’s new book comes out tomorrow (which is Oct. 15, 2024 at the time of this writing). I can’t wait to read it. Launch week sales are critical to success. Please consider ordering a copy. - MF

---

(Because some articles, like this one, have a soundtrack. - MF)

---

Get a bunch of people together to discuss the state of their marriages or committed partnerships, and one theme will consistently emerge—everyone has stories of their partners getting upset with them over something that doesn’t seem like that big of deal to the rest of us.

This happens to pretty much everyone, everywhere, in relationships of all types.

How can they be misunderstanding me or misjudging this situation so badly?, we think.

It used to be so offensive to me that my wife would expect me to be sorry for something that I didn’t believe to be wrong, or plausibly harmful to her.

And if it were plausibly harmful, it was so offensive to me that she’d act as if I’d do it on purpose. Because we forgive accidents, don’t we?

…

Dunno why I said that
I was being sarcastic
Tryna make you feel bad
A childish tactic that I tend to use
When I see something in you
That I hate in me

'Cause I'm so sick of saying I'm sorry

…

I’ve got a guy in Group (which—by the way you should join—because we’re having the adult conversations everyone should be having about our most important interpersonal relationships if we don’t want them turning to shit). And this guy’s great.

He’s been married more than 40 years, and I struggle to imagine anyone getting to know him and concluding that he’s a bad or mean person, or someone we’d characterize as someone likely to hurt his wife.

Nonetheless, so much trust has eroded in their four-decade marriage that his wife absolutely hurts.

One of the quirks of their relationship—perhaps we’d call it a painful pet peeve for his wife—is that he has a long history of interrupting her in conversation. Not in that toxic, mansplainy way that seems extra gross. Just a friendly, well-intentioned effort to be a part of the conversation, but is experienced by his wife as an interruption.

She has asked him to stop interrupting her (and others) during conversations. And near as I can tell, he’s working on it and making meaningful progress at the mindful, self-awareness part of adjusting one’s behavior for the benefit of someone else.

The other day, following the devastating images of Hurricane Milton’s impact on Florida’s Gulf Coast, his wife was reading him a text message, I think from a friend of theirs reporting on the hurricane damage. The text mentioned a large construction crane that had crashed into a building in downtown St. Petersburg—the longtime home of the Tampa Bay Times newspaper operations. And my guy had seen that on TV and interjected “Oh yeah! I saw that!” in the middle of her reading the text out loud.

And his wife was pissed. Another damn interruption.

He didn’t see it that way. And when he told us the story a couple of days later in our group meeting (our Friday group which includes women and men) none of us saw it that way either (though it’s important to note that zero of us have been married to him for 42 years.)

It didn’t, to us, seem to meet the criteria of what it means to interrupt someone. It was designed to communicate I’m with you! I totally know about that crane incident!

So my guy defended himself, as I think I might have (wrongly, in my estimation!) in the same spot. It’s something many of us might have done in the same situation.

He challenged what his wife thought and felt, and came to his own defense, which is a conversation tactic I discourage in the strongest terms if you’d like to maintain trust and intimacy and mutual respect in your relationships. Doing this (invalidating the experiences of others—even when we think they’re super wrong about something) will consistently erode trust between you. And when that happens a thousand times over many years, it’s enough to destroy all of it.

But I get why he defended himself.

He didn’t do anything “bad.” He didn’t do anything that felt like intentionally trying to hurt his wife of 42 years.

I hated this kind of stuff when it happened to me during my marriage. It always seemed like my wife was expecting or demanding an apology, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I actually considered (at the time) her bullshit and unfair interpretation of the incident to be the bigger crime between the two of us. She owes ME an apology! God. I would never give her this much shit about something this petty, I’d think.

…

But I'm still a little right
'Cause there's little water on the bridge
But nothing's really under it

And oftentimes I wonder
How you fall asleep at night
'Cause I can't relax
Turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to
And find it deep within to forgive, forget
Another half-hearted apology
'Cause I'm so sick of sayin’ I'm sorry

…

What do I have to apologize for if I didn’t do anything wrong? And if I DO apologize, I’m just lying to her, aren’t I? Won’t that be the equivalent of admitting to a crime that I didn’t commit?

What’s the sense in that?

I don’t get to speak for this man’s wife. It’s not fair for me to assume things about her that I don’t know. But I’ve spent several thousands of hours working on this relationship stuff now, so now I’m pretty good at guessing.

I bet, in a vacuum, my guy’s wife wasn’t upset or hurt by the interruption about the construction crane anymore than she might be upset or hurt because of a dish left by the sink, or some laundry left on the bathroom floor.

We get so distracted by the incidents and arguments that we often miss the real problem—what the incident meant to the other person. In other words, what happened to them.

What something means to me, and what something means to you, and what something means to our relationship partners are inconveniently not always the same thing.

What’s more likely is that his wife has spent more than 40 years consistently experiencing her husband’s interruption habit as evidence that he doesn’t listen to the things she’s telling him (maybe because he’s too busy thinking about what he’s going to say next). Which results in her feeling as if her husband’s behavior generally communicates that everything he thinks and feels is more immediate and important and worth prioritizing over everything his wife thinks and feels.

He’ll never value me as much as he values himself, she might think. He’ll never treat the things that are important to me as carefully and respectfully as he treats everything important to him. I can’t trust him to do that.

And every new interruption in their everyday conversations is just another reminder for her of that, no matter how innocent and well intentioned his actions may have been.

Practice Healthy and Mature Repair Language or Your Marriage is Going to be Shit Like Mine Was

Don’t be sorry for the bad thing that you didn’t do.

Don’t be sorry for being a shitty person, because you’re not a shitty person.

You’re not bad. You probably didn’t do anything wrong. That’s not why we apologize.

…

Can't believe I went there
You get under my skin
And I pretend like I don't care
Collected aggression
It's harder to breathe
When I see something in you
That I hate it me
Did I mention I'm sorry?

…

It’s not: “I’m sorry I did a horrible thing to you! I’m guilty!”

It’s: “After 20, 30, 40 years together, you can only conclude that I’m either doing this stuff to you on purpose, or that I’m not thinking about you at all. It’s gotta be one of the two. Even when it’s obviously accidental, it must be so trust-breaking and discouraging for you. I’m sorry you can’t trust me to know or anticipate what impact these situations or my behavior will have on you.

“I’m sorry that you hurt, and that you can’t trust me to see it. I’m sorry that you hurt, and that you can’t trust me to really hear you, and then change the way I do things so that this doesn’t happen anymore.”

…

Dunno why I said that
I was being sarcastic
Tryna make you feel bad
A childish tactic
That I tend to use
When I see something in you
That I hate in me
That I hate in me

‘Cause I’m so sick of saying I’m sorry

---

Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF