Eliminate Bad, of Course, but Don’t Forget to Introduce Good as Well

In addition to protecting our loved ones from emotional injury, maybe toss in a little surprise good along the way as well.

Image/Psychology Today

The sole aim of my work in relationships is to get people thinking about what it really means to have trust in your relationships.

It’s a lot bigger than telling the truth, and not being violent, and remaining sexually faithful, and not committing crimes, and not being a threat to abandon your partner or family.

I mostly think about trust in terms of eliminating actions or conditions which have a negative impact on our relationships. Because negative experiences ‘weigh more’ than positive experiences for people—the negativity bias from evolutionary psychology that helped alert us to potential threats. This is why couples working on relationship repair can have so much trouble ‘getting over’ things that happened years ago. Because those pains are vivid and linger, while all of the positive stuff is simply less memorable and impactful. It’s not fair. It’s just true.

But that inconvenient truth doesn’t negate the value of introducing positives into your relationships. While they may not compensate fully for the painful incidents, they serve an incredibly valuable purpose of routinely communicating to your partner that they are not invisible or insignificant to you. That they are not forgotten. That they are not low ranking on your day-to-day list of priorities.

Trust is built (and lost) in the micro-transactions of daily life.

It’s built when mom comes home from work in the evening to find the kitchen completely clean after a messy breakfast with grade school kids because her husband or partner made time for it before they went to work that morning.

It’s built when she’s feeling anxious and afraid while awaiting the results of a medical test she took last week, and her partner doesn’t go about their day oblivious to or intentionally avoiding that elephant in the room.

It’s built upon a thousand shared moments that communicate: I see you. I am fully aware of, and in tune with, what is going on in your life. I speak and act in a manner which indicates I care about your individual outcomes, and about the kind of day or week you’re having. You are not invisible to me. I pay attention to you. What happens to you matters to me. And no matter what you have going on, and no matter how much or little I might be able to help, the thing I will ALWAYS give you is the feeling of knowing you’re not alone. You’re not parenting alone. You’re not aging alone. You’re not losing loved ones alone. You’re not managing the house alone. You’re not facing scary news alone.

A little bit of trust is lost when the opposite is true. The other partner ran off to work, oblivious to, or totally not caring about the state of the kitchen. Ehh. She’ll take care of it. My time is more important than her time.

The other partner walks around behaving as if she’s not in a constant state of intense stress and fear while awaiting the results from the doctor. Ehh. It’s probably fine. And the thought of it not being fine is so uncomfortable that I’m simply going to avoid thinking about it and talking about it. What good would that do anyway? It’s not like there’s anything I can do to control the outcome.

Trust is lost from a thousand shared moments that communicate: I’m over here handling my business. Thinking about the things that I have to do. Everything I do and feel is important. I don’t concern myself with what you do and feel. I don’t really understand why you think and feel what you do much of the time, and instead of fighting about it, I’d rather just not discuss it at all. I think like me. I feel like me. Why concern myself with the weird ways you do things differently than me? Let’s just agree to disagree.

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Psst. Women. We need you in our weekly group meeting.

I started an online support group a few months ago. It’s at a really inconvenient time (90-minute meetings starting at 12 p.m. ET on Mondays for men and 12 p.m. ET on Fridays is a mixed group—women and men). I understand that it’s not an ideal time for many people. My sincere apologies.

Our women members provide so much value to these conversations (pretty much every guy in Group says so) and I’m hoping to find more of you to join us. We have important conversations about marriage, partnership, repairing trust, and everything else related to our home and family lives.

There are no long-term commitments or obligations. You can quit any time. And if you’re a woman and you join us between now and January 1, 2025, I will comp you your first month (I’ll refund you right away and eat the bank fees.) If you like it, maybe you’ll stick around. If you don’t, there will be no hard feelings. (Not that you should care!)

Everyone in Group is great, and we’d love to meet you. Learn more about Group with Matthew Fray here. - MF

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Please Avoid Doing Things Which Communicate ‘You’re on Your Own’

We do it all the time.

We don’t necessarily intend to. But over and over again we leave evidence in our shared lives with others, that we will notice and react to everything that’s important and immediate and meaningful to us, but that we can’t or won’t do that for our partners or anyone else.

We do it when we leave the toilet seat up, or the dish by the sink, or the laundry on the floor.

We do it when we wait until the last minute to acquire a gift or make plans for an occasion (birthday, anniversary, holidays).

We do it when someone else is suffering in some way, and our words and actions signal to them that we are either unaware of it, or that we can’t be bothered with it. Because I matter more than they do. This is only important and worth my attention if it’s happening to me.

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One of the easiest things we can do to eliminate that narrative in our relationships is to speak words, or take some type of action that signals to the other person, I am doing this because I love you and care about you, and it’s important to me that you not have any doubts or fears or insecurities around that.

You need to be able to trust me to be by your side all the days of your life. Not only is it not cool for me to leave little signals that I only think about me and not you (the toilet seat being left up, the glass I leave next to the sink), but it’s also important that I do things which indicate that I really know you and understand you, and that I’m willing to plan activities on your behalf. You are not just someone I love and care about and am in tune with when you’re standing in front of me, or when we’re in bed together. I ALSO love and care about you and am in tune with you in the middle of my busy days at work, or when I’m off with my friends, or when we’re on other sides of a busy room filled with all of these people.

You. Are. Not. Alone. Not on my watch.

That’s the value in making her coffee or tea. Of the bouquet of flowers (but ONLY IF that’s a thing they care about). That’s the value of the handwritten note or thoughtfully worded text message. That’s the value of the weekend getaway, you planned. That’s the value of you talking with them about acquiring holiday gifts for the kids and extended family several weeks ahead of time, so they’re not carrying all of that alone.

That’s the value of sitting in the discomfort while she’s awaiting those test results.

Maybe everything is going to be okay. It probably is. Maybe there is no logical or useful sense in worrying about things outside of our individual control.

But I’m begging you to stay mindful and vigilant about protecting the people you love from, “Sorry. This time, you’re on your own.”

It isn’t how we feel. It isn’t how we think. But it IS what we too often say: When I don’t think and feel the same way about something that you do, you’re on your own.”

The alternative is relationship trust. The alternative is relational safety. The alternative is true connection and intimacy.

I see you. And even when I can’t do anything about this, you’ll never have to do this on your own.

Sometimes that’s sitting quietly on the sofa together.

Sometimes that’s tending to the messy kitchen without someone asking us to.

Sometimes that’s a little note to be found later: Even when I’m not with you, I’m with you.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF