Hey. Valentine's Day is Tomorrow. Don't Eff it Up.
I used to think Valentine's Day was a garbage, made-up holiday Hallmark leveraged to make money and shame boyfriends who weren't from wealthy families.
5-star review of my book This is How Your Marriage Ends:
“Please read this, before it is too late. I cannot recommend this book enough!
This book opened my eyes and laid me bare in ways I never expected. I have a long road ahead of me in correcting trust eroding/killing behaviors.
Please, please read this if you are in a relationship or plan to be. Especially if you are a man, please take the time, care, and concern to look out for the ways we hurt those we love the most!” - Crazed in Black
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A lot of people hate Valentine’s Day. I’m not here to convince you otherwise.
I’m sharing this for one reason only: If you fail to acknowledge how much you love, appreciate, respect, value, desire your relationship partner on Valentine’s Day—and they just happen to be among the population of people who care about such things—then pain will result from whatever doesn’t happen tomorrow. Your relationship will literally suffer and be worse tomorrow than it is today.
They will hurt, because here’s another example (they might believe) of you failing to show up for them in ways that matter to them if it’s not something that matters to you.
Don’t buy flowers. (Unless they love flowers.) Don’t buy chocolates and teddy bears. (Unless they love those things.) Please consider a card, though I think you’ll find a handwritten note expressing meaningful thoughts and feelings about the other person will work just as well.
This shouldn’t be about checking a box and doing some kind of husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend duty.
This shouldn’t be about keeping up with the Joneses and spending a bunch of money (though I’m open to the idea that if you have the resources, parting with some in exchange for creating a nice experience for a loved one is a pretty good use of said resources).
My suggestion is a simple one:
Do NOT allow Valentine’s Day to be another example of how invisible, or unimportant/low-priority, your partner might sometimes believe themselves to be based on past holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
This is about “protection.” Protect the people you love from experiencing or encountering evidence that they don’t matter to you.
I’m NOT saying they don’t matter to you. I’m saying if they feel pain on Valentine’s Day and calculate that you’re someone who could have done something to prevent that, the question will likely be: Why don’t I matter to you when you mean so much to me?
Our intentions do not = other people’s experiences.
You thinking Valentine’s Day is bullshit is fine. I kind of think it’s bullshit too. Your partner experiencing sadness, insecurity, abandonment, etc. on account of our opinions of Valentine’s Day seems very not okay to me.
You might think it’s silly that some people would feel that way on account of how meaningless Valentine’s Day is to you. I get it. I also give no effs about Valentine’s Day. I don’t care at all!
But, simultaneously, I care very much about people I love not hurting simply because I was too busy or too lazy or too comfortable to pay attention to their unique experiences.
You don’t need to plan a trip to Paris or buy any diamonds.
Please just make a gesture, say words, share ideas that communicate in no uncertain terms: I see you. I think about you. I want you. I appreciate you. I’m eternally grateful for you. I want to celebrate as many more Valentine’s Days and every other days that we get to have together, and I didn’t want to let this day pass with you thinking it’s possible that I didn’t think and feel all of those things. I love you. Today and always.
Something like that.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours.
It doesn’t have to be the greatest day of anyone’s lives. But please don’t let it be something that negatively affects your relationship, when it’s so easy not to.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
This is a great perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Love this! Thanks for sharing.