How Do You Deal With a Partner Who Procrastinates?

There are two distinct conversations to have: One about a certain level of acceptance, and one about enforcing healthy boundaries in a relationship

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I asked readers in a previous newsletter to share some of the hard things they’re dealing with in their marriages/partnerships.

A reader asked: “How do you deal with a partner who procrastinates?”

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Reminder: I’m just some guy. I’m not a doctor or clinician of any kind. I’m just a guy working as a relationship coach trying to help people repair and maintain trust and connectedness in their marriages/partnerships.

So, procrastination.

I know a thing or two about it. I’m an ADHDer, and have some avoidant tendencies, and that can be an effective recipe for relationship mishaps.

It’s hard to talk about ADHD to non-ADHDers, because it’s hard to explain time blindness, it’s hard to explain how I don’t notice something that seems so obvious to you, and it’s hard to explain why I might do weird, avoidant shit that makes no sense to you. (I tend to let my mail accrue before rifling through it in one big chunk after the pile gets big enough, and as every responsible adult will tell you, literally ZERO GOOD THINGS happen when you do that.) My mom sends my son’s birthday cards and stuff to his mom’s house instead of mine.

I get it. Pragmatism and all that.

Where I’d like to think I differentiate myself somewhat from your average ADHD procrastinator, is that I work very hard to not let my tendencies or blind spots result in negative outcomes for other people.

More on that in a moment.

How to Deal with a Spouse or Relationship Partner Who Procrastinates

I think of it like this.

For relationship purposes, there are two kinds of procrastination:

1. The Kind That Results in Problems for Your Relationship and Household and Affects More Than Just the Procrastinator

2. The Kind That Affects Only the Procrastinator

And I may get some pushback on this, but I think there’s a certain level of acceptance one must have if they’re in a relationship with someone with ADHD or procrastination tendencies for any number of other reasons, so long as those habits are affecting only the individual.

He or she is procrastinating, and they encounter some deadline-specific stress or experience some shitty outcome because of it? I mean. Story of my life. That’s on me. On a case-by-case basis, I learn my lesson and do better next time.

We must accept responsibility for the partner we choose, and almost everyone will have some habits and quirks that aren’t necessarily our favorite thing, but again, so long as no actual harm is being experienced, I think the prescription is us getting over ourselves and allowing other people to be themselves and do what they want to do within the bounds of mutual trust and respect.

More likely, this question comes from someone who has had to eat shit sandwiches and deal with problems they didn’t help to create due to the procrastination habits and seeming unreliability of their spouse/partner.

Comment prompt: If you’re reading this, and you feel like it, please share a story in the comments about how your procrastination—or your partner’s procrastination—created a needless and easily avoidable “emergency” and affected the level of trust you had in your relationship.

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It’s never okay for my behavior (even if I’m well-intentioned, minding my own business, and totally oblivious to the fact that I’m doing anything that might negatively affect someone else) to hurt or result in negative outcomes for my partner (or anyone with whom I want to have a trust-filled relationship).

So, to exist in a relationship with enough to go the distance, the procrastinator must adopt that same mindset. I have no doubt that they’re not TRYING to disrespect anyone. But as the excellent Australian podcaster and relationship coach

Remi Pearson

says: Intention does not equal experience.

All of my good intentions may still result in shitty experiences for you sometimes. A great relationship comprises two people who can communicate to one another: “Hey! I know you didn’t try to hurt me just now, but what you did resulted in pain for me whether you realize it or not.”

And the other person says, instead of getting defensive and minimizing and all of the other bullshit we tend to do:

“Holy shit. Of course I didn’t realize it, because I would never knowingly do something that hurts you. Now that I realize this was bad for you, you can count on me to not do it this same way moving forward. I’m really sorry you couldn’t trust me to see and understand that this time.”

Then they hug and kiss and stuff, and everyone feels loved and respected. It’s great. Do it THAT way instead of whatever shit way you currently do it, please.

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To be fair, it’s only twice-weekly for men. We have a men’s-only meeting on Mondays, and a mixed meeting (men and women) on Fridays. The people are great. Come hang out and work on some of your stuff. Learn more about group and 1-on-1 relationship coaching here.

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Step 1 - Identify the difference between someone’s intentions and the impact it had on you.

Procrastination often stems from ADHD or other executive function struggles.

It can also result from anxiety, fear of failure, feelings of overwhelm, and different approaches to time management.

Step 2 - Communicate Your Experience Without Blame

Generally anything that sounds kind of like: “You did this to me because you don’t care about me, you asshole!” is pretty not-great for relationship trust and connectivity.

Healthy, respectful relationships consist of people saying things more like: “Hey. I realize you’re not deliberately doing this so that I’ll be frustrated and angry, but when you fail to get something done on time or be somewhere on time, it’s another example of you making everything you want and do a priority, while relegating me to an afterthought. I have to be able to count on you to treat the things that are important to me, with the same level of care with which you treat that which matters most to you.”

Step 3 - Figuring Out What’s Fueling the Procrastination

Unfortunately and inconveniently, it tends to be something in the vein of ADHD, or some deep-seated emotional thing, which requires a bunch of self-work and often a doctor or therapist.

Guess how much I want to go see a doc or therapist to deal with all of my bullshit? Not very much, muchachos! So I tend to put things like that off too, like going to get my first old-guy colonoscopy, or participating in a sleep study.

In this instance, no one’s really suffering but me, but there’s a world where my son or a relationship partner might say: Hey. What you’re avoiding right now is impacting me in X, Y, and Z ways. I don’t like it. Would you please take care of yourself so that you’re still alive in the near future?

And how I would respond should significantly impact the amount of trust they would have in me.

Total seriousness, though: Getting to the “Why?” is important. More so for the procrastinating individual, because self-awareness makes us so much better and practicing mindful consideration of others in our relationships.

Step 4 - Mutually Agree to Set Boundaries and Clear Expectations

When the procrastination is directly impacting you—an example might be that they’re responsible for paying a joint bill, and every time the payment’s late, your previously immaculate credit score is getting dinged and it pisses you off—you should agree on deadlines together.

Anytime shared responsibility is involved, using reminders, mutual accountability, and shared calendar planning are the most obvious and pragmatic ways of two people working together to avoid negative outcomes.

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The bottom line, which our Friday group had to listen to me pontificate about today, is that the procrastinator has to WANT to “protect” their relationship partner from something “bad” happening to them.

I can have the best intentions in the world, but if me not opening my mail often enough were resulting in me missing bill payments or something that was very directly affecting my spouse or relationship partner, then I’m participating in a process that is hurting someone I profess to love.

At that point, I have choices: Keep being exactly the way I am, and eventually have the other person end the relationship just like my ex-wife did 12 years ago.

Or. I can accept responsibility for my behavior, practice new habits, and develop methods for preventing procrastination from harming my relationship or my spouse/partner.

One results in the building and maintenance of trust. One results in conflict-heavy, shithouse marriages that no one wants to be a part of.

I hope in this instance, the person frustrated with their procrastinating partner can find a way to reach them, and I hope the procrastinating partner will put forth effort and awareness designed to bring about closeness and security, rather than the relationship outcomes we too often see.

Not because anyone’s “bad.”

But simply because no matter how good someone is, if we can’t trust them to honor our experiences that might be much different than theirs, there’s simply no way to achieve trust and security in our most intimate and important relationships.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF