Is it Reasonable to Get Divorced Over Unhung Paintings?
Just like a little ditty I once shared about getting divorced because of dishes by the sink, it's rarely as simple as it sounds.
On a family vacation, the couple commissioned an artist to create paintings of themselves and their kids—one depicting mom and dad together, and each of the kids individually.
They had the art shipped to their home.
Then mom asked dad, a man with woodworking and carpentry skills, to hang the large frames.
“I will,” he committed, with every intention of following through.
Then, the days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months.
She didn’t try to think about it. She didn’t concentrate on building stress and sadness and anger. It was an involuntary response to walking down the hallway. Every time she walked by the bare spot on the wall, she noticed the paintings weren’t hung.
A steady, repeated reminder of a broken commitment. A broken promise.
Here’s the Part Where We Get to Argue About It
He didn’t think it was a big deal.
And I understand because I didn’t think the drinking glass I used to set by the sink was a big deal either. In fact, I truly believed what was actually a big deal was my wife making a whole thing out of something so petty. Why would you want to have an argument about a dish by the sink? Why suggest that this is important?
It’s nothing most of you haven’t read or heard me say before.
Family or friends dying. Big deal. War. Big deal. Starving families with little access to clean water in third-world countries. Big deal.
But a dish by the sink? Can’t we reserve the drama for real shit? Please?!
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Most of you know how that story ended. She eventually left because of hundreds of similar instances.
Thousands of relationships end daily over not-big deals just like that.
Some people will insist it’s an overreaction. That the other person is selfish and incapable of putting the relationship first. Which is both ironic and a sign of early onset angry, depressed, and lonely incel-ism.
My man insisted: “I just didn’t think it was a big deal.”
And she replied: “How could you think that?! How could you NOT know me this much after 27 years?”
My ex-wife only needed half that time.
…
Inevitably, most relationship conversations end up being some negotiation regarding semantics—a tedious conversation about what words mean.
Is it reasonable to get divorced over unhung paintings? It’s easy to say no if you’re a fan of marriages and families persevering, which I am.
But I see the pattern so clearly now, after a decade of leaning into relationship work, that I long-ago changed my answer.
Yes. It’s “reasonable” to get divorced over unhung paintings. Over a dish by the sink. Over the toilet seat being left up. Over being five minutes late. Over forgetting another wedding anniversary.
It is.
Not if you isolate it to the ONE thing the ONE time.
But it’s never one thing just one time.
It’s a repeated demonstration over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, which says: I think about me! I do stuff all of the time that I want! I work quickly when something excites or interests me! But sometimes, when it’s you? When it’s something you want? When it’s something that excites or interests YOU but NOT me? Ehh. I didn’t think it was a big deal.
And whether you think it’s logical or not, and whether you think it’s fair or not, pain begins to swell in a lot of people when they realize: I gave my life to someone who won’t do the same for me.
I think about them and make decisions on their behalf all the time. They don’t do that in return.
And this is the scary part for all parties. Most of these people not doing the things for their partner are not doing them in some intentional, sadistic way.
Usually, these are not things they’re thinking about at all. It really doesn’t seem like a big deal to them.
They’re not bad people, and they’re not doing bad things. But that doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t feel intense pain and betrayal on account of what the other person isn’t seeing or paying attention to.
And that’s marriage, in a nutshell.
Friction and conflict tend to occur when one person acts unilaterally and doesn’t demonstrate care and consideration for how the other person might be affected.
Only two things can be true:
He made a conscious decision day after day after day to not hang the paintings knowing full well how meaningful and upsetting it was to his wife, and thought: Ehh. I don’t really care. I only care about me.
That’s not what happened. But she has to consider it.
He didn’t notice. He didn’t realize it. He walked by the bare spot on the wall every day, or the paintings in their shipping boxes, and it never occurred to him to think about how his wife was experiencing it.
That is what happened. And it’s a nicer version of the story to think about him as someone who doesn’t hurt his wife on purpose. And I’m glad for that.
But the outcome for his wife is the same, no matter what.
The paintings don’t get hung.
Every day is a reminder that her husband doesn’t pay attention to or demonstrate care around what matters most to her.
When she does mention it, he minimizes, deflects, or dismisses because he doesn’t consider it as important as she does, and resents the implication that he doesn’t know the difference between what matters and what doesn’t, and resents the implication that unhung paintings mean he doesn’t care about his wife.
…
Hanging the paintings was a multi-hour job, which undoubtedly was one of the reasons he had been putting it off.
But when he was away for a couple of days for a trip, his wife finally had enough and decided to hang them herself. Because of its size and weight she wasn’t able to hang the one depicting the two of them.
He didn’t acknowledge that she’d hung the paintings he’d promised to hang. He didn’t apologize for the months that passed since committing to doing it.
But he did notice she hadn’t hung the painting of the two of them, and he took it personally. “Of course you didn’t hang the one of us,” he said to her.
She explained that it was a logistics issue, not an emotional decision, but the damage was long done.
For however long they live together in that house, walking past those paintings could have conjured consistent beautiful memories of a family trip to never be forgotten.
But now, it’s going to be a reminder of a painful time. A time of disconnection and broken promises and demonstrations of I prioritize me over you.
It’s not what anyone meant to say or do. It’s not.
It’s just what happened.
Divorced over some unhung paintings?
Perspective is everything.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
“I think about them and make decisions on their behalf all the time. They don’t do that in return.”
I don’t know about this line. I suspect that there are a lot of people, both women and men, who tell themselves this. But while they do think about their partners all the time, and do make decisions based on what they think, what they are really doing is trying to control things by being the only one who makes decisions, and doing so without actually talking to or being curious about how their spouse feels or what they are thinking. Their main concern is to assuage their own anxiety by controlling things. Are there that many people who really begin their relationships who aren’t concerned and don’t want to know what’s going on with their partner? It seems way more plausible to me that there is a vicious cycle in these relationships. So while this man could have acted differently, would he ever have had a good marriage? I am skeptical. Should he have tried to be a better husband? Definitely. But unfortunately that in itself isn’t enough to save a marriage. It would have set him up better for future relationships. But I think that in a lot of things, you have to act according to your values, not in the hope of obtaining a certain outcome, because other people’s actions are outside of your control.
It wasn't unhung pictures or undone tasks. It was walks in the woods not taken, not joining frisbee games with the dog, not going with me for a sick dog's PTS, contempt for my post-cancer treatment spiritual awakening, and finally not coming to my very first art gallery show -- my own work on the walls -- that pushed me over the edge from separation to insisting on divorce. I could swallow cooking and cleaning up the kitchen afterwards. I could sigh and shrug over meals not appreciated, flowers never bought for birthday and Valentine's and anniversary. But my first art show? That was a bridge too far.