Noticing is the Love Language No One Talks About
Your brain is probably skipping things that matter in your home life (especially if you're a man). Making the invisible visible is a trainable and necessary relational skill.
I reject the premise that people (especially men) in shitty, conflict-heavy relationships are always, or even often, “bad” or doing something “wrong.”
Of course there are abusers and bad actors out there who are intentionally harming their spouse/romantic partner, but I struggle to believe very many of those dime-store Bond villains have subscribed to this newsletter.
Which leaves the rest of us. The people who have not, and will never, intentionally harm people they love (or, hopefully, anyone).
There are people who take exception to the idea that a “good” man (or person—it’s not universally men, of course) can be such a bad, pain-inducing relationship partner, but—to me—it’s the ONLY explanation for how so many marriages and relationships can devolve into such awfulness in year 10, 15, or 20, after everyone seemed so happy and hopeful on their wedding days.
The only explanation is that it’s happening by accident and no one saw it coming.
The miscalculation so many people make (usually men) is failing to recognize that accidental wounds can be just as painful as intentionally inflicted ones.
Whatever sadist or trauma connoisseur coined the phrase “What you don’t know won’t hurt you,” surely wasn’t talking about marriage and dating relationships.
Because that’s almost always what hurts us.
All of the things our parents, teachers, and coaches didn’t teach us about navigating the complexity of adult relationships. I don’t think they were trying to hoard the knowledge for themselves. No one taught them either.
It’s the pain our spouses/partners feel from things happening in our blind spots that destroys trust and threatens to end our relationships.
It would mean a lot to me if you would order a copy of my book “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships.”
It’s got a 4.6-star rating (the red-pill incels don’t love it, and probably some really cool and smart normal people too who simply believe the writing could be better).
The creator of Fair Play, Eve Rodsky, endorses it. “This funny and poignant memoir and how-to evolves into a beautiful exposition on partnerships, love, and unpaid labor,” Rodsky said about This is How Your Marriage Ends.
I thought when I was writing it that it was the book I would have needed to read when I was still married in order to stay married, and I’ve gotten that same feedback from more people than I can remember. If you, or someone you love, is in a relationship that you hope will last a lifetime, the book is seriously useful for identifying WHY trust and security might be eroding in your relationships and offers some ideas for how to break that cycle.
I know money doesn’t grow on trees and that the market is whack right now. But I also believe $11.19 is an insanely inexpensive way to improve your life and relationship. Pretty much all of my DoorDash orders cost at least twice that much. I really need to sell more copies so that they will let me write another one. Thank you for your consideration. — Matt Fray
The Skill of Noticing: A Daily Practice to Become More Present at Home
Paying attention—noticing more, acknowledging more—can repair and foster trust in your most important relationships.
The word “mindfulness” gets tossed about quite a bit these days. I’m not going to go full Jon Kabat-Zinn (he’s the father of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, or MBSR) on you and ask you to meditate in silence like a Buddhist monk. (To be fair, I don’t think Kabat-Zinn asks you to do that either.)
But there are some practical things you can start doing with intention each day that are going to improve your ability to notice at a higher level than you do now. And if we’re all going to agree—and I really hope we do—that what is messing up your relationships isn’t something big and obvious to you, but rather a series of smaller things that you’re not paying attention to which have built up over time, then getting better at noticing stuff and being attuned to your relationship partner and home life is just what the doctor ordered.
I’ll be sharing several of these How to Get Better at Noticing Things ideas in the coming weeks in future newsletters.
For today, we’re going to focus on an idea called the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique.
Just like doing weight reps at the gym or working on your golf swing at the driving range, deliberate practice of mindfulness techniques is how you’re going to set yourself up for success in your relationships. This is how you’re going to be able to speak and act in a way your partner experiences as equal participation and consideration of their needs within your relationship.
How to Practice the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique
Try doing this every day this week. Hopefully, some of you will adopt it as a mindfulness training regimen that, over time, will contribute to your relationship skills and your relational life improving dramatically.
Identify 5 things you can see (an unfinished home project, your partner’s expression or energy level, dust collecting on a piece of furniture, a detail in a photograph or piece of art on your wall—anything, really.)
Identify 4 things you can touch (focus on sensations, textures on pillows or sofas or your kitchen counter, and pay attention to how things feel on your hands or fingertips.)
Identify 3 things you can hear (the sound of motion as your partner or child moves around, birds outside the home, your heating/cooling system—whatever you notice.)
Identify 2 things you can smell (a meal being prepared, fresh laundry, the scent of hand soap after handwashing.)
Identify 1 thing you can taste (lingering coffee, the aftertaste of dinner, toothpaste or mouthwash.)
Doing this every day is linked to useful benefits like 1. increasing your present-moment awareness, which can extend to reducing distractions from past regrets or future anxieties and better help you exist in the right now, and 2. regulate emotional responses—doing this practice literally helps to calm the mind, and reduce stress and anxiety.
When you practice mindfulness habits like this, you’ll be more aware of your own thoughts and feelings, more attuned to your partner’s thoughts and feelings, and ultimately participate more effectively if not at a high level in the emotional labor of your marriages and/or closest interpersonal relationships.
…
Start small. You don’t need more than a few minutes to get started.
The most important time to lean on this type of idea anchor is during emotionally challenging and inconvenient times, like in the midst of conflict with your relationship partner.
You don’t have to set aside special “mindfulness time” to do this. Do it while you’re driving to work, or during a workout, or while you’re getting cleaned up or working on a house chore.
…
I think we can all make peace with relationships ending due to deliberate, conscious choices from one or both partners.
But to have them fall apart because of things we legitimately aren’t even realizing are happening? I consider it among the most tragic ideas I’ve encountered.
There’s a better way.
And it starts with deciding that the people you love are worth it. So are you.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
Insightful as always. All of this. But had to especially acknowledge this part: “I really need to sell more copies so that they will let me write another one. Thank you for your consideration.” Made me laugh! Yes- I will get a third copy just because