She's Not Nagging. She's Grieving.
In these inconvenient moments, what if we prioritized their pain over our own frustration with them letting us know? What if their experience is that we cared as much about them as we do ourselves?
When she reminds you again, and her tone tightens, and it feels like you’re being accused of something.
It’s probably not an accusation. She’s probably saying, you forgot about me again, and it hurts that this happens so often.
When she says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.”
You might think she’s trying to control or guilt you.
But underneath it all? She’s grieving the version of the relationship she had hoped for. She’s grieving the loss of who she used to be and how she imagined her future.
Every "nag" was once a hope that turned into disappointments and letdowns.
Every sharp word is a soft one she gave up on.
You don’t have to agree with her. But you do have to hear her. You must be able to tell one another when something is wrong and get some type of supportive or positive response back in order to have secure, lasting relationships.
Because once she stops telling you what she needs, she’s already halfway out the door.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
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As my Veteran therapist said, "On the battlefield, it's actually a good thing when there are still screams being heard. It means people are still in the fight; the battle isn't over. It's when those screams stop that it grows the most concerning. The battle is lost. Same way for relationships. When you stop asking, yelling, or even fighting...the relationship is over." She was so right. Funny though, my husband took it as me "finally calming down" and believed everything was fine.
You give me hope. I never wanted to be a nag but I did want to express how I felt. I wanted a conversation, to discuss things and make decisions together.
That was rarely, if ever ok. He liked to give orders and make decisions without any input from me.
As a result, I felt muzzled and as if he didn’t care how I felt, what I wanted, or my opinion on anything. One of his most frequent responses when I opened my mouth was, “I don’t want to hear about it,” before he even knew what I was going to say.
But you better believe I knew how he felt. He told me loud and clear about my shortcomings and his expectations of me. For some reason, that was perfectly ok. I was the only one wearing a muzzle.
Not all men were like that. Only one actually. So I guess I’ve been lucky.
Thank you for understanding women in that situation.