The Merits of Canceling a Date Because the Other Person is 10 Minutes Late
Maybe a little bit of merciless pruning is just what the doctor ordered.
Even though I blame social media for most of the modern world’s ills and would prefer to have nothing to do with it, I got sucked into a clickbaity Facebook post from an account named something close to “reasons I’m still single.”
The image in the post was a screenshot of a text message exchange, presumably between two people who were supposed to be meeting for their first date.
I’ve tried my best to find the post again, but Meta’s search functionality works about as well as the illegitimate love child of Bing and Ask Jeeves.
It went something like this:
Person #1: I left after waiting for you for 10 minutes, because at least one of us respects my time. Have a nice life.
Person #2: What?! Are you serious?
Person #1: [deuces/peace sign emoji]
Person #2: Wow. I had to walk my dog, and do some other stuff, and also do some other stuff. It’s only been 10 minutes! Sorry.
Person #1: Good luck.
And then the inevitable comments thread was filled with people and probably some really convincing A.I. troll bots arguing about who was right, about the likely gender of each one of them, and then hurled insults at each other on account of how kind everyone behaves on the internet.
I ate imaginary popcorn and scrolled through the comments for a while trying to take the temperature of the Facebook populace on this matter.
My impression was that most of the people thought and felt that Person #1 was out of line for bailing so fast on the date. They were implying that being 10 minutes late is forgivable, and that it indicates Person #1 is hard to please and difficult to get along with, therefore Person #2 lucked out for not getting in too deep with such a hard ass.
Not that you or they or anyone should necessarily care, but I have a different take.
Congratulations, Person #1 – You Have a Chance at a Beautiful Relationship Someday
I want to applaud Person #1, assuming we’re getting the entire story. (We’re probably not, and that’s okay. This is all for thought-exercise purposes anyway.)
If you’re the kind of person who believes Person #1 demonstrated some knee-jerk overreacting, then I also want to ask you to think about whether you routinely feel unfairly misjudged or held to too high of a standard in your dating or marriage/committed-partner relationships.
As I see it, Person #2, who might be an incredibly kind, successful, fun, attractive person to be around, committed three major errors that I believe are red-flag signs that they will be difficult as a long-term relationship partner (if that’s the aim).
Whether mindfully, or thoughtlessly, they prioritized their own schedule, wants, and needs over the person they were meeting. Bad sign.
Despite having the person’s phone number, they didn’t notify their date an hour or so ahead of time, or even right up against the meeting time to communicate there was a delay, to apologize, and to let them know that they were hurrying to get there. Worse sign.
They responded with shock and defensiveness and implied that Person #1 was being an asshole for having bailed on the date after a mere 10 minutes. How petty and unreasonable! These are the response patterns that correlate with relationships that very slowly, but predictably, become toxic over the course of many months and years.
As always, it boils down to Consideration (our ability and willingness to treat what’s important to another person with the same level of care that we treat what’s important to us) and Validation (communicating in a way that honors the experience of the other person regardless of whether we think and feel the same, and regardless of whether our behavior was unintentional).
These are the pillars of relationships with safety and trust.
The person who bailed after 10 minutes, respects themselves, enforces boundaries, and suffers no fools who would attempt to demonize their boundary enforcement as anything other than healthy behavior from a person with an appropriate amount of self-love and self-care.
The person who got big mad about it would seem to not understand what respecting others looks and feels like, and who believes that only what they believe, and what they feel should dictate whether someone else is behaving “correctly” or “incorrectly.”
Really smart, really nice, really successful people have every reason to trust their own judgment. They’ve been succeeding at most things they’ve sought to do their entire lives. They’re probably well liked and well respected among their peers and friends and family.
This is why even the most otherwise wonderful people can make awful relationship partners if they’re unwilling to do the necessary relational work as it pertains to Consideration and Validation.
Bottom line: Person #2 is going to have a ton of relationship pains and problems, because only people with an unhealthy lack of self-respect and personal boundaries will ever date them. They’ll have loads of conflict and emotional drama until one or both of them do the necessary work on themselves.
And Person #1 may have a hard time finding someone who meets their healthy standards threshold. There may be several heartaches and disappointments on their journey to a forever-relationship.
But once they find someone whose daily words and actions communicate You can trust me to honor you; you can trust me to handle with care all that matters to you in the same way that I care for all that matters to me, that person has a really legitimate chance at long-term contentment and peace in their lives.
No matter how many self-indulgent trolls want to internet-scream otherwise.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
Spot on!
I will wait 5 minutes for everyone and 6 minutes for no one!