The Simple Power of 'I See You'
They're not alone as long as you're around. So please work hard at protecting them from feeling as if they are. It might not be easy. It will always be worth it.
“It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end, you’re completely alone with it all.” - Tony Soprano
In HBO’s The Sopranos—my vote for best television series ever—Tony delivers the above quote lamenting the burden of leadership and feeling alone in making heavy decisions as a mob boss.
And it’s interesting to me, albeit sad, that this could just as easily have been said by a lonely, married, stay-at-home parent of two who doesn’t feel connected with friends or coworkers anymore, and feels somewhat invisible to their working spouse, and maybe the entire world.
Inside most healthy people, as depicted in the image above, are more pure, innocent versions of ourselves just wanting to connect with others. We want to feel as if we matter. We want to feel accepted. We want to feel good enough. We want to feel not alone.
Please try to think about that the next time your partner is acting hurt or angry, and it’s making you uncomfortable.
Today, attempt to communicate: I see you. You matter so much to me. And as long as I’m around, you never have to feel alone. Not on my watch.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
Well said. I left my kids dad after six kids and seventeen years of feeling like an invisible servant. Even now, nearly 15 years later, he tells our children, “I don’t know what happened. We had a perfect marriage. One day, your mother went crazy and left.”
Fortunately, (unfortunately) the older kids not only observed but also experienced the abuse and isolation. They knew the truth.
It’s not hard to be kind.
Whoever is in your life, let them know they matter.