What if 66 Days Could Change Everything in Your Life & Marriage?
Two months and a few days. If all I had to do to avert divorce and strengthen my relationship was make a small change every day for that amount of time until a habit formed, I'd like to think I would.
A couples therapist friend of mine recently shared a habit-forming stat that I hadn’t heard before—specifically that it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit.
This data comes from a 2009 study by Dr. Philippa Lally and her team at University College London (UCL). The study, published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, tracked participants as they attempted to build new habits like drinking more water or exercising regularly.
The study found that:
The time it took to form a habit varied widely (from 18 to 254 days).
66 days was the average time for a habit to become automatic.
Missing a day did not significantly disrupt the habit-forming process. (Give yourself grace if you “mess up”. Just resume the habit-building streak the next day. You don’t have to reset the count to zero.)
Join our twice-weekly support group. Do it.
To be fair, it’s only twice-weekly for men. We have a men’s-only meeting on Mondays, and a mixed meeting (men and women) on Fridays. The people are great. Come hang out and work on some of your stuff. Learn more about group and 1-on-1 relationship coaching here.
The same study found that while some habits formed in as little as 18 days, others took as long as 254 days—nearly nine months—to fully stick. The time required depended on the complexity of the habit, the individual's personality, and external factors like motivation and consistency.
What Would Have to Change for You to Do it Differently?
This is the habit part. And it’s almost always about noticing. I get a little grief sometimes for my insistence that most painful experiences in relationships are not the result of someone hurting their partner intentionally or knowingly. I maintain that these incidents are predominantly from blind spots. Accidents. Things happening because you were too busy not noticing or realizing. (I can understand being with someone who accidentally hurts us sometimes, whereas I can’t at all understand the decision to be with someone you believe to be doing it intentionally.)
So, now begins the work of noticing how something you previously weren’t paying attention to is affecting your spouse/partner.
Step 1 - Notice. Step 2 - Adjust.
Existing as you were yesterday will result in the exact thing happening again tomorrow if you don’t.
What would it take to notice and adjust?
Alarm bells? Flashing lights? Someone nudging you?
Relationship change doesn’t require us to become someone new. Typically, we simply have to adjust a couple of behaviors on behalf of our partner in order for them to experience mindful consideration of their needs and wants.
This isn’t anything huge or mystical. It’s just mindfulness habits. No more, no less.
Today’s question is simple enough: What can you choose to do differently and consistently for the next 66-ish days that can become a habit and forever change your marriage for the better?
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Have you ever successfully broke an old habit or formed a new one?
Can you identify just one thing you could do differently every day that your spouse/partner would experience as love?
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF