What Things Are Your Fault vs. Your Responsibility?
And while we're comparing ideas, what's the difference between a complaint and a criticism?
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) endorsement of my book This is How Your Marriage Ends:“An important book! Especially for men (hand raised for leaving dishes by the sink many times) who rarely talk openly about their divorces. Matt's approach is refreshing and much needed in our world. He shines two lights, a black light over why marriages fail but also sunlight by injecting hope and encouraging couples to take ownership.” — John Kim, author of Single On Purpose, I Used to be a Miserable F*ck, and his brand-new book Break Up On Purpose.
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In my men’s group meeting today (you should consider joining guys—it’s a great group of humans), we closed with a philosophical conversation about Fault vs. Responsibility.
This was on the heels of a good talk about the relational concept of Complaints vs. Criticisms.
And I wanted to talk about it for a minute, because both of these ideas are critical to having healthy relationship outcomes.
Complaints vs. Criticisms
Let’s attempt to define the two.
Complaint - a statement that a situation is unsatisfactory or unacceptable.
Example: “You left a dish by the sink again. It’s really frustrating to me when you do that, because it feels like you’re either leaving it here on purpose for me to take care of, or you’re leaving it here thoughtlessly. But either way, I’m stuck taking care of it.”
Criticism - the expression of disapproval of someone based on perceived faults or mistakes.
Example: “You left a dish by the sink again. What kind of a jerk does that? Do you think I’m your housemaid? That’s all I am to you? This is just another example of how selfish you are and how much you don’t love or care about me.”
Criticism tends to not be great for fostering safety and trust in relationships. Criticism is a judgment on the character and quality of another human, and in this instance, a person who you promised to love and honor all the days of your life. Criticizing your partner will pretty much always result in eroding the quality of your relationship.
Complaints are totally different. Complaints result from observing behavior or a set of circumstances and communicating how the behavior or circumstances negatively affect you.
It’s basically the only way I can think of to tell your partner that something is wrong.
A huge problem many relationships (that I encounter in my work) experience are one partner (men more than women, if we’re being fair) is that when a complaint is communicated, the other partner responds defensively as if it were a personal attack.
To be fair, sometimes sad and angry partners mix in some criticism with their complaints. Please stop doing that.
But the most important idea for me is, I want to be someone my partner can trust to say something is wrong to, and not have me respond defensively, hijacking her complaint and making the moment about my discomfort and my feelings instead of dealing with whatever problem she might be having. This is hard and necessary relational work for people whose intentions are good, but get a lot of negative feedback. (Common with ADHDers, people on the spectrum, people with many children, and people with very busy professional lives.)
[You may want to read How to Not be Defensive with Your Relationship Partner.]
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Fault vs. Responsibility
It’s pretty easy to resort to defensiveness when it feels like we’re being blamed for something that we didn’t do.
In my book This is How Your Marriage Ends, I described it as feeling like I was being charged for murder when my crime seemed more akin to driving with a burnt-out taillight that I didn’t even realize was burnt out.
Enter the conversation about Fault vs. Responsibility.
One of the guys in the men’s group had preheated the oven to make some food for his wife. While navigating the kitchen together, he opened the oven to put a baking sheet inside, and his wife, not realizing he was doing that just behind her nearly tripped and fell into the 450-degree (F) oven. A verbal altercation ensued. Whatever you’re imagining is probably exactly how it sounded.
He didn’t do anything bad. In fact, he was trying to do a good thing—make food for his wife who had said she was hungry.
It’s not his fault that she nearly tripped.
But, can it be his responsibility to effectively communicate about being behind her with a tray of food that he was about to insert into a dangerously hot oven? Can he accept responsibility for the accident that nearly happened to his wife, and can he exercise responsibility moving forward for more effectively communicating in a situation like that?
He thinks so, in hindsight.
The group thought so.
I think so.
I don’t run into many bad people in my work. Almost everyone I meet is trying to better themselves and their marriages. People most of us would describe as “good.”
They’re not bad. And they’re not doing bad things.
But sometimes, the predominantly benign and well-intentioned things they’re doing might accidentally result in a negative outcome for their spouse/partner.
It’s no one’s fault. We need not blame. We need not choose defensive postures and responses.
It’s simply our responsibility. To be someone who cares about what happens to those around us, and to speak and act in ways that indicate we’re invested in good things happening to them, and that we’re invested in protecting them from bad things, even if those “bad” things are unintentional and unforeseen.
It’s not your fault. It’s your responsibility.
Won’t it seem reasonable to you, if the identical hot-oven situation crops up again in the near future, and due to a failure to communicate effectively, there’s another near-accident—or worse—an actual burn incident, and the man’s wife gets angry with him?
Isn’t it okay for her to register a complaint about that? If not then, when?
On the other hand, the conversation need not be what a piece-of-trash asshole he is and how this scenario is further proof of it.
It can simply be: “Hey. What just happened hurt me or almost hurt me. Could you please be more careful moving forward?”
Some of us hear that as: You’re a worthless jerkoff who I regret being in a relationship with, and about whom I’m constantly complaining and criticizing. It’s probably because we’re sensitive to criticism which we may have heard a lot growing up. But can we accept responsibility for parsing through the differences? Sometimes it’s not criticism. Sometimes, it’s just someone else letting us know about a problem they’re having that we’re probably not aware of.
Imagine if, instead of defensiveness, they actually heard us say words and take actions designed to ensure that the bad thing never happens to them again. Not on our watch.
Even if all we are doing is trying to put some food in the oven as a thoughtful gesture for our wife.
Even if all we did was leave a silly little drinking glass by the sink.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can seem really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop new skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF