When Caring Feels Criticized: How to Speak Up Without Pushing Them Away

She doesn't want to say things he might experience as criticism. But doesn't she need to be able to say true things to him for their long-term partnership have trust?

Fair Play author Eve Rodsky’s endorsement of my book This is How Your Marriage Ends:

"The home can be deceiving because it presents so small (like dishes being left by the sink) and Fray beautifully unpacks this. This funny and poignant memoir and how to evolves into a beautiful exposition on partnerships, love, and unpaid labor. Fray highlights the larger systemic issues at hand and offers a program for fairness out of the toxic man box and forges a path to a healthy way forward." — Eve Rodsky, bestselling author of “Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)”

This is How Your Marriage Ends is 40% off on Amazon, available in local bookstores, or you can order an author-signed copy here from my friends at Islandport Media.

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J.A. writes:

I am kind of into recycling. In particular, I subscribe to Ridwell which takes a lot of plastics that the curbside recycling does not. My partner thinks I'm kind of over the top about this and likes to tease me about it, but he's not opposed to it either. He just doesn't care about it himself.

A couple of days ago he was gathering the curbside recycling and I said he could open a shipping box to get rid of it. Said box contained several cases of cat food, which come wrapped in plastic.

This morning I noticed that he had taken the wrapping off of the cat food and put it away. Gold star for him—he has never done this before. But I also realized that the wrapping plastic was nowhere to be found. Not in the kitchen trash, not in the Ridwell collection box. That means he got rid of it when he took out the trash carts, either in the trash or the recycling cart. They don't take this type of plastic, so either choice would have been incorrect.

Now, I have a dilemma. If I ask him what he did with it, he will immediately feel criticized. I don't want to discourage him from doing such acts of service in the future. But if I can't say anything about it then there's no way to let him know where he should put it the next time, and I will be frustrated by feeling like I can't speak up.

He is very critical of himself, and if he knew he'd done it "wrong" he'd beat himself up about it. But he won't ask me what to do when he's not sure, either—he just does something, usually without a whole lot of thought. It happens with small things like this and much bigger ones as well. How does one break this pattern?

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First, let’s identify the pattern, which should look familiar to many of you.

1. One of you cares deeply about something which matters less to the other partner.

2. He (women experience this too, of course) makes an effort that you see and appreciate, even though the result isn’t ideal—possibly even bad.

3. So, there’s some good and some bad, but because you’ve identified that he’s sensitive to perceived criticism, you hesitate to say the thing out loud.

4. Because nothing is said, similar behavior persists and is likely to happen again.

5. You feel stuck. Frustrated by the outcomes, and silenced by decency and compassion.

Good intentions. Shitty communication. Which pretty much sums up every marriage or long-term partnership I’ve encountered since I started writing about relationships and working as a relationship coach.

To Break the Pattern Prioritize Building Trust

I always feel obligated to mention that trust isn’t just about feeling like people tell you the truth and won’t betray you. It’s infinitely more nuanced than that, which is why so many of us get it wrong.

It’s more useful to think about trust in the context of reliability. I can count on them. They have my back and show up for me in ways both large and small. Not just when they feel like it, but pretty much always.

That’s how we feel about friends and relationship partners whom we trust.

As much as I identify with the guy who might get defensive about feeling criticized while trying to do the right thing, and as much as I appreciate J.A. not wanting to behave in a way she calculates will result in him feeling shitty, isn’t it ABSOLUTE MADNESS that we can’t trust one another in our relationships with what we actually think and feel?

If you’re going to trust me for the rest of our lives, surely you need to be able to tell me something true without me losing my shit and behaving in a way that erodes trust in our relationship.

I mean, don’t I WANT you to experience life with me in a way that communicates I understand that this thing matters to you, which is why I’m going to handle it with care, if I’m claiming to be someone who loves you?

Your values are your values. They’re your highest ideals, and the various things in life that have the most meaning and importance for you.

While I think shared values are super-useful in our closest relationships, they’re not necessarily a requirement.

For example, I’m a tiny bit obsessed with my favorite NFL team the Cleveland Browns (yes, it’s been a complete nightmare from kindergarten through right now—40-ish years, thanks for asking).

Something that is important to me is watching the NFL Draft to see who will be joining my favorite team next week, as well as generally following team news, and of course, watching all of the games, because, apparently, I’m a masochist.

Someone need not love the Browns or football or whatever as much as I do in order for us to have a good relationship.

But imagine if every game day during the football season, she was like, inventing stuff for us to do which had nothing to do with football, or she walked in the room every time they were on TV, and turned the channel, or unplugged the television.

I would experience that as sabotage. As disrespect. As blatant disregard for something important to me (even though I know how stupid it is that it’s important to me).

Just like my ex-wife felt when I’d leave that drinking glass by the sink.

I didn’t believe it was important. So I never behaved as if it were.

To a lesser extent, that’s what J.A. is experiencing with her partner. He has clocked that this recycling situation is important to her, and seems willing and able to participate, but from time to time, falls short of the standard J.A. aspires to—probably not in some intentional, spiteful attempt to disrespect her wishes—but simply because it doesn’t even occur to him to think about it with as much care as she does.

In my view, a relationship with the requisite amount of trust to be healthy and long-lasting MUST involve a partner who WANTS their actions to communicate: My partner can trust me to act in their interest, even when I don’t necessarily think and feel about it the way that they do.

And secondly, I think it must involve partners who WANT their other half to let them know when they’ve missed something.

I don’t want my behavior to communicate that I don’t care about other people. So when I’m being a dense jackass and being accidentally rude (wearing shoes inside of a traditional Japanese family’s home), or inadvertently communicating What matters to you only matters to me when it’s convenient! while I crap all over your carefully planned recycling efforts due to thoughtlessness or laziness, I want—probably even need sometimes—you to tell me about it.

His inner critic doesn’t like hearing that he did something you consider to be “wrong.” It somehow feels like a judgment of him not being good enough.

I don’t know why so many people (usually men; definitely me) attach self-worth to these types of things, but we do.

It’s on him—it’s on me—to get the therapeutic help necessary to receive negative feedback from partners, friends, co-workers, coaches, bosses, etc. without responding in ways that erode more trust in the relationship.

These are hard psychological and emotional patterns to break. Really hard. But two people who practice awareness, who are able to have healthy, cooperative conversations about it, and who offer grace for human error from time to time can make this work.

It’s not okay that you feel like you can’t say the true thing out loud, when something, for lack of a better term, “feels bad.”

You should be able to be like: “Hey. That thing that just happened was shitty for me. It would be so cool if shitty things didn’t happen especially because I know that’s never your intention.”

And you should hear responses akin to: “Oh man. I didn’t realize that’s what was happening. Thanks for letting me know. Of course I would never knowingly do a thing that I understood to be bad or painful for you. I’m glad you told me about it. Even if I act a little wounded or defensive sometimes, I promise I always want you to tell me if I’m done something that sucks for you. You must be able to trust me to not do those things, and it will only happen if I’m aware of it.”

We don’t get there overnight. We get there by having dozens, if not hundreds of “successful” conversations in which one of us says a true thing to the other, and our partner responds in a way that maintains and builds trust, instead of any of the invalidating, bullshitty alternatives.

Advice?

If it’s useful at your house, normalize having little debriefs on small tasks.

Acknowledge effort. Express curiosity rather than anything that might seem accusatory. Have a team convo instead of some type of corrective coaching session.

If we don’t want good things happening to our partner, and if we don’t care how they experience what we do and say, let’s maybe start questioning why we’re in relationships in the first place.

Assuming all of us DO want these good things to happen for one another, then we simply must, must, must be able to agree that we can say the thing out loud and get cooperation in response.

It’s not nagging. It’s advocating for the things that matter most to you. And THAT behavior should be invited and welcomed by your partner.

When we normalize check-ins, affirm intentions even when actions are less than ideal, and work together to establish a healthy, gentle repair culture aimed at building trust, these frequent relational moments stop being a source of anxiety and trust erosion, and start bringing us closer together.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF