Your book was the first one I read that made me feel understood. I grew up to believe divorce was never okay. This by my divorced parents, but I was better than them! After 24 years of my husband believing this was life and I never need to help, or listen or care because she won’t leave, I left. I have no statistics but I know believe more marriage end the way mine did than with a big catastrophic bang. Everything I read made me believe I had to keep trying. Tips on how to communicate better, etc. No one wants to say it’s okay to leave. You did the best you could, you aren’t a failure.
I think that women get tired of picking up the pieces. Putting the toilet seat down, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the house before HIS parents come to visit. It's overwhelming and eventually I got tired of it. I found after my divorce that my life as a single parent with a toddler was much easeir than it was when I was married. Emotionally, I didn't have to feel bad or angry because my husband did little to contribute to childcare or household chores. If he wasn't there, I didn't mind doing it. But I really resented that he expected me to do 90% of the childcare and household chores even though I made as much money as he did. My second husband was actively engaged in taking care of the house and parenting. It was a wonderful marriage. My ex tried wantd to reconcile a year after we separated and was devastated that I refused. I didn't want to be the house slave ever again.
I've been binge reading all of your articles. It's amazing and sad how much I feel like they are all about me and my husband. He's said the "I'm not as bad as other guys" argument so many times, I actually keep telling myself that I should just get over and accept things because he's a good person and father, and in the olden days marriage wasn’t for love and I would've had to just go with the okay-ish farmer down the road so I should be grateful.
I don’t know how to move forward. I’m tired of being the one who is trying to fix things and then just being made to feel like I only focus on the negative, and, if I could just be less sensitive we’d have the perfect marriage. I’m sad because I feel like he doesn’t even really know me, even after 22 years. I feel stuck because I primarily cared for our home and kids while he’s been in the military working insane hours or deployed, and now I don’t have a career to support myself. And, I’m a bit hopeless because even though I want to ask him to read your book, I don’t think it will make any difference and I just don’t really want to try anymore.
I’m currently going through divorce after being married 31 years. It was her choice. She told me (paraphrasing her actual comments) that on the list of shitty people, I’m at the top of her list. This hurt…a lot. I decided to google “shitty husbands” and your site was one of the first to pop up. I decided to buy your book after reading through the comments. Well, I just finished reading it. It might as well have been written by me. I grew up in a family ruled by enablement, invalidation, and entitlement. Unfortunately, my parents (particularly my mother) pitted my siblings and I against one another to satisfy her own emotional needs. As an adult I realized I still lived by these rules. Your book has been enormously impactful. I realize I’m a good man but a bad husband. I never took the time to acknowledge my wife, to appreciate or show gratitude for what she did for me (and our children). I never treated her as an equal or as a partner. Even though my soon-to-be ex-wife was quite adept at business (amongst a gazillion other things) I ridiculed her (I’m a physician, by the way, with zero ability to manage finances). I prioritized myself and my children over my wife. And now having the power of introspection (again thanks to your book) and the retrospectoscope, I can see how I’m the architect of the demise of my marriage. It sucks. I’m filled with remorse, regret, and guilt, and feel immense sadness at what I put my wife through. I took her for granted. And now she’s leaving me. No doubt she feels liberated. We still talk and are cordial. She remains very empathetic (a skill I sorely lack but am slowly learning). It will take nothing short of a miracle for her to change her mind about me. What also sucks is that I’m not that person anymore and the person I’m becoming can give her what she needs but she still sees only the man who hurt her.
I saw my therapist the other day. I told him that every single person in prison or jail is there because they invalidated some one (or ones), in some way. That every one of those people professed their innocence at trial even in the face of overwhelming evidence against them. I told my therapist that eventually, after imprisonment, they will one day (could be a week, a month, a year, a decade or longer in jail), they will be lying on their bed and looking up at the ceiling and say “WTF did I do?” And with that enlightment they’ll become aware of the consequences of their actions. This same holds for the rest of us not in physical prison, but a virtual one, instead. T
There’s not a day that doesn’t pass that I wish I could go back and be the person I am now to my wife from the beginning of our marriage 31 years ago. I know this won’t happen. While it’s true life goes on and time heals all wounds, etc., I’m always going to be plagued with the might have beens, the woulda coulda shoulda. As Maya Angelou once said (and to paraphrase): “I did what I knew and now that I know better, I’ll do better.” Still sucks all the same.
Thank you for writing your book! I cried at multiple points when reading it as for the first time in 11 years I felt seen and heard!! I’ve asked my partner to read it too but I’m already done with the relationship and have been for almost 2 years. Losing my brother to suicide and receiving the littlest amount of support was an eye opener added on top our family dog passing away less than 12 months later and me being left to deal with her treatment before and organising her being put to sleep as she was just too poorly. That year my heart just couldn’t take more heartbreak and at the point I realised I’m worth more!! I’ve repeatedly asked him to leave but he refuses and I’m out of options.
Your words hit hard, Matthew. Divorce can indeed seem like an insurmountable crisis. As someone who's been there, I know it takes immense strength and self-understanding to rise again and prepare for a new chapter. In my own journey of self-discovery, I stumbled on this fascinating tool, LoveBoost-AI (http://dating.tiktak-studio.com), which intrigued me. It's not a solution, but a part of the process of rediscovering one's individuality. Uses Generative AI to create a great visual of oneself - a reminder, perhaps, of who we can be after the dust settles. Not directly related, but thought you might find it a curious spin on self-representation in the digital age. A small piece of a larger puzzle, y'know?
I am going through a divorce after almost 37 years of marriage. As the one who made the decision to make the change, it is very painful and difficult. I feel better yet I am grieving a relationship that has been most of my adult life. The tipping point happened and I could no longer stay. I still care for him but I have learned that love is not enough.
Hey Najwa. First, I'm really sorry that you found yourself in that position. Things hurt. Things are hard. You ask for help. You don't get it. And then you get stuck having to do one of the most difficult things in your life after giving everything you had to it. 37 years is a hell of a run.
Second, thank you so much for sharing that here. It's so good for people to see that they aren't the only ones going through things like this. The No. 1 surprise for me over the past five or so years of relationship coaching has been the number of people in 30+ year marriages who have reached out to me. I seriously think it's probably 1/3 of everyone. That's such a long time for pain and subtle trust erosions to marinate.
Love is, indeed, not enough. I'm so sorry that it's not. I hope you're as okay as you can be.
Your book was the first one I read that made me feel understood. I grew up to believe divorce was never okay. This by my divorced parents, but I was better than them! After 24 years of my husband believing this was life and I never need to help, or listen or care because she won’t leave, I left. I have no statistics but I know believe more marriage end the way mine did than with a big catastrophic bang. Everything I read made me believe I had to keep trying. Tips on how to communicate better, etc. No one wants to say it’s okay to leave. You did the best you could, you aren’t a failure.
I think that women get tired of picking up the pieces. Putting the toilet seat down, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the house before HIS parents come to visit. It's overwhelming and eventually I got tired of it. I found after my divorce that my life as a single parent with a toddler was much easeir than it was when I was married. Emotionally, I didn't have to feel bad or angry because my husband did little to contribute to childcare or household chores. If he wasn't there, I didn't mind doing it. But I really resented that he expected me to do 90% of the childcare and household chores even though I made as much money as he did. My second husband was actively engaged in taking care of the house and parenting. It was a wonderful marriage. My ex tried wantd to reconcile a year after we separated and was devastated that I refused. I didn't want to be the house slave ever again.
I've been binge reading all of your articles. It's amazing and sad how much I feel like they are all about me and my husband. He's said the "I'm not as bad as other guys" argument so many times, I actually keep telling myself that I should just get over and accept things because he's a good person and father, and in the olden days marriage wasn’t for love and I would've had to just go with the okay-ish farmer down the road so I should be grateful.
I don’t know how to move forward. I’m tired of being the one who is trying to fix things and then just being made to feel like I only focus on the negative, and, if I could just be less sensitive we’d have the perfect marriage. I’m sad because I feel like he doesn’t even really know me, even after 22 years. I feel stuck because I primarily cared for our home and kids while he’s been in the military working insane hours or deployed, and now I don’t have a career to support myself. And, I’m a bit hopeless because even though I want to ask him to read your book, I don’t think it will make any difference and I just don’t really want to try anymore.
I’m currently going through divorce after being married 31 years. It was her choice. She told me (paraphrasing her actual comments) that on the list of shitty people, I’m at the top of her list. This hurt…a lot. I decided to google “shitty husbands” and your site was one of the first to pop up. I decided to buy your book after reading through the comments. Well, I just finished reading it. It might as well have been written by me. I grew up in a family ruled by enablement, invalidation, and entitlement. Unfortunately, my parents (particularly my mother) pitted my siblings and I against one another to satisfy her own emotional needs. As an adult I realized I still lived by these rules. Your book has been enormously impactful. I realize I’m a good man but a bad husband. I never took the time to acknowledge my wife, to appreciate or show gratitude for what she did for me (and our children). I never treated her as an equal or as a partner. Even though my soon-to-be ex-wife was quite adept at business (amongst a gazillion other things) I ridiculed her (I’m a physician, by the way, with zero ability to manage finances). I prioritized myself and my children over my wife. And now having the power of introspection (again thanks to your book) and the retrospectoscope, I can see how I’m the architect of the demise of my marriage. It sucks. I’m filled with remorse, regret, and guilt, and feel immense sadness at what I put my wife through. I took her for granted. And now she’s leaving me. No doubt she feels liberated. We still talk and are cordial. She remains very empathetic (a skill I sorely lack but am slowly learning). It will take nothing short of a miracle for her to change her mind about me. What also sucks is that I’m not that person anymore and the person I’m becoming can give her what she needs but she still sees only the man who hurt her.
I saw my therapist the other day. I told him that every single person in prison or jail is there because they invalidated some one (or ones), in some way. That every one of those people professed their innocence at trial even in the face of overwhelming evidence against them. I told my therapist that eventually, after imprisonment, they will one day (could be a week, a month, a year, a decade or longer in jail), they will be lying on their bed and looking up at the ceiling and say “WTF did I do?” And with that enlightment they’ll become aware of the consequences of their actions. This same holds for the rest of us not in physical prison, but a virtual one, instead. T
There’s not a day that doesn’t pass that I wish I could go back and be the person I am now to my wife from the beginning of our marriage 31 years ago. I know this won’t happen. While it’s true life goes on and time heals all wounds, etc., I’m always going to be plagued with the might have beens, the woulda coulda shoulda. As Maya Angelou once said (and to paraphrase): “I did what I knew and now that I know better, I’ll do better.” Still sucks all the same.
Thank you for writing your book! I cried at multiple points when reading it as for the first time in 11 years I felt seen and heard!! I’ve asked my partner to read it too but I’m already done with the relationship and have been for almost 2 years. Losing my brother to suicide and receiving the littlest amount of support was an eye opener added on top our family dog passing away less than 12 months later and me being left to deal with her treatment before and organising her being put to sleep as she was just too poorly. That year my heart just couldn’t take more heartbreak and at the point I realised I’m worth more!! I’ve repeatedly asked him to leave but he refuses and I’m out of options.
Your words hit hard, Matthew. Divorce can indeed seem like an insurmountable crisis. As someone who's been there, I know it takes immense strength and self-understanding to rise again and prepare for a new chapter. In my own journey of self-discovery, I stumbled on this fascinating tool, LoveBoost-AI (http://dating.tiktak-studio.com), which intrigued me. It's not a solution, but a part of the process of rediscovering one's individuality. Uses Generative AI to create a great visual of oneself - a reminder, perhaps, of who we can be after the dust settles. Not directly related, but thought you might find it a curious spin on self-representation in the digital age. A small piece of a larger puzzle, y'know?
I am going through a divorce after almost 37 years of marriage. As the one who made the decision to make the change, it is very painful and difficult. I feel better yet I am grieving a relationship that has been most of my adult life. The tipping point happened and I could no longer stay. I still care for him but I have learned that love is not enough.
Hey Najwa. First, I'm really sorry that you found yourself in that position. Things hurt. Things are hard. You ask for help. You don't get it. And then you get stuck having to do one of the most difficult things in your life after giving everything you had to it. 37 years is a hell of a run.
Second, thank you so much for sharing that here. It's so good for people to see that they aren't the only ones going through things like this. The No. 1 surprise for me over the past five or so years of relationship coaching has been the number of people in 30+ year marriages who have reached out to me. I seriously think it's probably 1/3 of everyone. That's such a long time for pain and subtle trust erosions to marinate.
Love is, indeed, not enough. I'm so sorry that it's not. I hope you're as okay as you can be.