When We Want to Control the Situation
Is it because we demand that we are in charge and obeyed? Or do we try to exert control because we're afraid of what will happen if things are done differently?
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For some reason, after our men’s group discussed the idea of feeling “controlled” in relationships, I started thinking about a couple of scenes in the 1990 NASCAR film Days of Thunder starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
The couple had just wrapped up some bedroom activities for the first time, and Cruise’s character Cole is using sugar or artificial sweetener packets on Kidman’s character Dr. Lewicki’s thigh to demonstrate how drafting in a race car works.
She says: “Tell me what you love so much about racing.”
And he says: “Speed. To be able to control it. To know that I can control something that’s out of control.”
And because Dr. Lewicki is still lusty and charmed by Cole’s winning smile, she lets the comment go and they do some sexy-time stuff again.
But later in the movie, when her lusty infatuation has worn off somewhat, she calls him out on his bullshit.
“Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac,” Dr. Lewicki says. “Nobody knows what’s gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies, and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.”
…
I don’t like bossy people.
I don’t like being told what to do.
But I do like people having their needs met by their partner in a relationship. It’s sort of critical to a positive outcome. I think there’s a better way to communicate one’s needs than general bossiness or being demanding.
In the context of human relationships, why do people sometimes demonstrate controlling behavior?
Is it an ego trip? Power hungriness? An insistence that 100 percent of everything be to their specifications all the time?
Maybe some of the time, but that seems unlikely in the context of the vast majority of people I work with or come into contact with.
So, why?
According to the National Library of Medicine, the mental health community has established several characteristics of controlling behavior that may serve as warning signs of a power imbalance in the relationship. Below are a few of these signs:
You are blamed for everything, including minor issues you had no connection to
Your partner frequently criticizes you in public to undermine your confidence
Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family
Your partner keeps score of conflicts in the relationship
They create drama or consistently shift attention to themselves
Your partner sabotages your other close relationships to gain more control over you
Your partner uses intimidation to get their way
They refuse to take no for an answer or respect your boundaries
They are frequently jealous and try to control your clothing, way of speaking, friendships, and actions
They use gaslighting—manipulative behavior designed to make you second-guess yourself
They routinely make decisions for you
They use being overprotective as an excuse to control your behavior
They have drastic mood swings and contradictory behavior
…
My favorite part of reading over this list is that it’s easy to imagine an overtly abusive, controlling man doing all of these things to his wife or girlfriend. And to be sure, it does happen and it’s not okay.
But I’m rarely dealing with overt abuse in my work. It’s almost always about what’s inadvertently being experienced by someone in the blind spot of their partner.
And many of these bullet-point items above can just as easily be the result of a loving, insecure partner afraid of losing the person they love, or afraid of the relationship turning bad.
And the very, very, very difficult work is knowing you’re a wonderful person with the best of intentions, and still having the ability to recognize that people you love can be hurt by things you do or don’t do, even when you have the best of intentions and truly care about them.
But we can. We must.
According to an article in Better Help, “While each person may have unique reasons for supporting an uneven power balance in a relationship, researchers have identified several characteristics common to people with controlling personality types or traits, such as low self-esteem, experiencing similar control in their past, the desire to feel superior to someone else, past traumatic experiences, or other desires to feel in control of their environment.”
A lot of times, really excellent people with the best of intentions are, often unknowingly, demonstrating controlling behaviors in their relationships—not because their power-hungry egomaniacs. But because they have deep-seated fears and insecurities about something bad happening to them.
Everyone has to look in the mirror.
And everyone has to look out for one another.
People who feel unfairly controlled or as if their partner is trying to control them should seek to understand the Why underneath the insecure behavior. If they’re afraid, how can we help them not be afraid anymore?
And people on the other side of this equation have to be mindful about not robbing their loved ones of autonomy and control of their lives in our potentially well-meaning attempts to control out environments and outcomes.
I hope you’ll let this idea roll around in your head a little bit.
Please be so good to yourself and to one another.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF