You + Me + Our Phones = Modern Relationships
Like the internet itself, modern smartphones are both the best and worst things
I’m not here to give a lecture to people who might spend a lot of time on their phones. If I knew how many hours I’ve wasted playing mobile games or doom-scrolling internet comment threads over the past 15 or more years, I don’t think I’d feel very good about myself.
But anything and everything can be problematic and disconnecting in our most important relationships if:
A. We invest more time and attention in them than we do our closest loved ones, and B. We are unaware of (or seemingly unconcerned with) how our spouses/partners experience it.
Being on our phones doesn’t make us bad partners (or disengaged parents). But I think there are plenty of times when they might inadvertently rob us of the chance to be the best ones we can be.
Most of the time, it’s not intentionally choosing our phones over our partners, but I think we can get so distracted or preoccupied with them that we essentially forget that our partners are in the room. (I definitely did this in my marriage. I mostly leave my phone in my pocket or away from me when I’m being present with people today.)
I just want to encourage you to consider how others might experience your phone use, regardless of how much or how little you might believe it to be.
He won’t have a meaningful conversation with me at the dinner table, but he’ll text with friends all night about sports, movies, and video games.
She hasn’t touched me in weeks, but she falls asleep every night with her phone in her hand.
He says he’s too tired to do something with me, but he’s spent the past hour watching YouTube and Instagram reels.
She doesn’t seem interested in anything I have to say, but she’s tuned in to her group texts every night.
…
This weekend, sitting around a table having drinks with friends, one of the couples I’d just met said their church pastor had challenged them to give up their phones (outside of actual telephone use like we used to do with our landlines) for this coming week leading up to Easter Sunday (for many Christian denominations).
The wife in the couple asked me what I would do for a week without my phone.
I thought for a second.
I’d likely get outside for more trail hikes or neighborhood walks.
I’d spend more time reading.
I’d probably watch a few movies I’ve been putting off.
The best one was, I would almost certainly try to manufacture more face-to-face time with friends and/or family, when I wouldn’t want to have my phone anyway.
I’m not trying to ask you to do some sacrificial giving up of your phone. It may even be critical for some of you professionally.
But I did want to challenge you this week to be more mindful of how your spouse/partner, or children, or friends might experience your phone usage when you’re all in the same place at the same time.
Here are some small ways you might be able to adjust your phone usage in a manner that could yield a positive impact on your most valuable relationships:
This is my favorite. Ask your partner, with sincere interest in the answer, please: Do you ever feel like I completely check out on you when I’m on my phone? As if I’m way more interested in other people I’m texting with, or more interested in watching videos and playing games than I am interested in you? Please listen intently and take the response seriously.
Try to have a minimum 10-minute conversation with your partner or family totally devoid of phones before everyone brings them out to poke at each evening.
Institute a no-phones-during-dinner rule, maybe just one night to start, and see if it blossoms into something more.
…
I’m not here to demonize our phones. I love them. They’re little technological multi-tool miracles. But they inadvertently distract us from being present with the people we’re with and the places we are sometimes.
It would be nice if the people we love and spend the most time with realized we’re aware of that.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
The thing is no spouse would dare ask their partner that question if they are not ready to face the possible answer, especially one which will require them to do something about their phone use.