Oh Matthew. You totally had me at: "If the idea of non-white people or women having starring roles in stories being told in various media (television commercials, film and TV roles, video game characters) is somehow offensive to you, you’re going to like me less after this. I’m not even a little sorry".
Ha!
Loved your TW. And the piece that followed definitely did not disappoint.
While reading, I thought back to a particular incident I experienced back in the late 90s. I was at a Blockbuster with a guy I was dating and we were attempting to select a movie to watch together. He replied to one of my suggestions with "no... that's a chick flick, you can watch that with your girlfriends". I can't remember the exact film I'd suggested, but I remember noting that it wasn't even a Steel Magnolias sort of sitch, it was just that the *main character* was a woman. Therefore: totally un relatable - to a male viewer like him. He seemed a bit put off that I'd even suggested it, as if the idea itself was silly or emasculating.
We ended up with some other film that was (sigh) mostly all male characters. I wondered on the drive home why a film with a female lead was "for women" viewers. But the film with the male lead (and mostly male supporting characters) was "for everyone". I mean... what?
I felt a little sick and even betrayed as we drove back to his place. Here was this person that I was supposedly involved in an intimate relationship with, who had basically just outright told me he saw *NO VALUE* in a story where the lead was someone like me (a woman). But I can be counted on to be both willing - and quite able - to relate to a story with a lead who is a man, telling the story through his POV (as a man, who was socialized as a man, living as a man, having experiences of a man).
He was right. I *could* be counted on to do that. I grew up doing exactly that, watching movies, reading books by men, about men. All the novels we read in high school, mostly by male authors and about male characters. We learned how they felt, how they moved through the world, what their experiences were. We learned to see the world through men's eyes, to relate to them.
It didn't make sense to me then, and it still doesn't make sense to me now, this idea that stories about women are "for women" and stories about men are "for everyone".
More troubling was how this registered as so deeply personal to me and very problematic on the trust/safety/intimacy front: the fact that this man who I was (seemingly) in an intimate relationship with had no interest in a film or story where the lead was someone *like me*.
It’s, as you know, the perfect illustration of what I’m talking about.
To imply that certain segments of the human population don’t count or are unworthy of being as important or interesting as men, or specifically white men, or specifically straight men, or specially women who look only the ways one deems acceptably beautiful enough is about as narcissistic and arrogant of a concept as I’m able to imagine.
And taken to its logical conclusion, is hugely problematic for relationships, as your story nails perfectly.
This had been bothering me for a couple of days. Thank you for reading it and sharing your story.
I think you’re awesome. This was a wonderful post. I need these kind of articles after the election. I need to know there are white men who aren’t trying to one up everyone else. Thanks
Thank you, Beck. I don’t think of myself as super-political. But I’m a staunch advocate for human beings and for treating people well. Politically motivated bullying of people who don’t look a certain way is a special kind of childish assholery.
Matthew--I love how this ended, with your son reacting to the trailer in a way that makes you proud and shows you are raising him right. I have an 11 year-old son, an avid gamer, and I hope he would react similarly--I think he would, btw (I give his mom, my wife, most of the credit for that).
Thank you for another thoughtful and thought-provoking piece!
Thank you, John. Hundreds of thousands of people (anonymous incels in comment sections, mostly) bullying an actress and a game studio because of a few-minute game trailer is just indefensible to me.
But I try really hard to not seem like I think I’m smart and know everything. I’m not and I don’t. But I think I know what mistreatment looks like when I see it.
This was healing. It affirms some faith in humanity for me. As you said, so many people are hateful. But thank you for being a good person and showing others a path forward
Oh Matthew. You totally had me at: "If the idea of non-white people or women having starring roles in stories being told in various media (television commercials, film and TV roles, video game characters) is somehow offensive to you, you’re going to like me less after this. I’m not even a little sorry".
Ha!
Loved your TW. And the piece that followed definitely did not disappoint.
While reading, I thought back to a particular incident I experienced back in the late 90s. I was at a Blockbuster with a guy I was dating and we were attempting to select a movie to watch together. He replied to one of my suggestions with "no... that's a chick flick, you can watch that with your girlfriends". I can't remember the exact film I'd suggested, but I remember noting that it wasn't even a Steel Magnolias sort of sitch, it was just that the *main character* was a woman. Therefore: totally un relatable - to a male viewer like him. He seemed a bit put off that I'd even suggested it, as if the idea itself was silly or emasculating.
We ended up with some other film that was (sigh) mostly all male characters. I wondered on the drive home why a film with a female lead was "for women" viewers. But the film with the male lead (and mostly male supporting characters) was "for everyone". I mean... what?
I felt a little sick and even betrayed as we drove back to his place. Here was this person that I was supposedly involved in an intimate relationship with, who had basically just outright told me he saw *NO VALUE* in a story where the lead was someone like me (a woman). But I can be counted on to be both willing - and quite able - to relate to a story with a lead who is a man, telling the story through his POV (as a man, who was socialized as a man, living as a man, having experiences of a man).
He was right. I *could* be counted on to do that. I grew up doing exactly that, watching movies, reading books by men, about men. All the novels we read in high school, mostly by male authors and about male characters. We learned how they felt, how they moved through the world, what their experiences were. We learned to see the world through men's eyes, to relate to them.
It didn't make sense to me then, and it still doesn't make sense to me now, this idea that stories about women are "for women" and stories about men are "for everyone".
More troubling was how this registered as so deeply personal to me and very problematic on the trust/safety/intimacy front: the fact that this man who I was (seemingly) in an intimate relationship with had no interest in a film or story where the lead was someone *like me*.
Thank you for sharing this story, Diane.
It’s, as you know, the perfect illustration of what I’m talking about.
To imply that certain segments of the human population don’t count or are unworthy of being as important or interesting as men, or specifically white men, or specifically straight men, or specially women who look only the ways one deems acceptably beautiful enough is about as narcissistic and arrogant of a concept as I’m able to imagine.
And taken to its logical conclusion, is hugely problematic for relationships, as your story nails perfectly.
This had been bothering me for a couple of days. Thank you for reading it and sharing your story.
I think you’re awesome. This was a wonderful post. I need these kind of articles after the election. I need to know there are white men who aren’t trying to one up everyone else. Thanks
Thank you, Beck. I don’t think of myself as super-political. But I’m a staunch advocate for human beings and for treating people well. Politically motivated bullying of people who don’t look a certain way is a special kind of childish assholery.
Matthew--I love how this ended, with your son reacting to the trailer in a way that makes you proud and shows you are raising him right. I have an 11 year-old son, an avid gamer, and I hope he would react similarly--I think he would, btw (I give his mom, my wife, most of the credit for that).
Thank you for another thoughtful and thought-provoking piece!
Thank you, John. Hundreds of thousands of people (anonymous incels in comment sections, mostly) bullying an actress and a game studio because of a few-minute game trailer is just indefensible to me.
But I try really hard to not seem like I think I’m smart and know everything. I’m not and I don’t. But I think I know what mistreatment looks like when I see it.
It’s an easy thing to be against.
This was healing. It affirms some faith in humanity for me. As you said, so many people are hateful. But thank you for being a good person and showing others a path forward