Hey Dads: Don’t Ruin Mother’s Day for Your Wives

Take steps to protect your kids' mother from feeling invisible and unappreciated on Mother's Day (and always if you want to be awesome about it)

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My indifference to my wife’s experience on Mother’s Day is just one of a zillion reasons she was right to ditch my ass more than a decade ago.

If you haven’t heard the story, we were together about 12 years, and when she finally announced she wanted a divorce and moved out, driving away with our four-year-old son, I totally lost my shit. I was crying all of the time, and stress/anxiety vomiting routinely, and waiting for death to save me from another day of any of that. I’m not embellishing when I say I thought I might die and didn’t care because that seemed the better option than spending the rest of my life like that.

The big, selfish, all-about-me-ness of the entire ordeal turned out to be useful. I was never going to learn any meaningful life lessons the easy or mature or responsible way. At the age of 33, I was so sure of my niceness and good intentions and likability, that I just didn’t know how this backstabbing quitter Jezebel of a soon-to-be ex-wife could be doing this to me.

I wish I could take a reliable real-time poll of every mother reading this right now to ask them how many of them are low-key dreading Mother’s Day, fully expecting to feel the way my ex-wife must have: Invisible. Disrespected. Totally unappreciated. Just a big nothing festival. Just another day in the life of a person who once had a bunch of hopes and dreams and ideas about what adult life might be like in an interesting career or in a loving marriage and family, but had all of that disappear slowly and incrementally over time as the people she loves the most, sacrifices the most for, and gives the most to, offer little feedback other than annoyance and disinterest anytime she gives a little more, or God forbid, asks for anything from any of them.

…

My son exhibits many of the same qualities that I did in my youth (an innocent-ish self-centeredness that too often fails to consider others and will totally sabotage his romantic partnerships in the future if he doesn’t develop better skills and habits). Just shy of 16 and about to wrap up his sophomore year of high school, he’s required to perform a certain number of service hours each school year. To meet these obligations, we often volunteer for weekend trail maintenance and cleanup at our local national park, or he uses his tennis talents to work with special needs children at organized tennis events at a local athletic club.

His mother, who loves that kid so hard, and gives all of herself all of the time to try to help him succeed in school and health and life (as most mothers do for the kids, and often their romantic partners, as a default setting) is the one who is often researching these service-hours opportunities and keeping him accountable about school work and these volunteer-work responsibilities.

And sometimes, our teenager, who I swear is a kind and intelligent and loving young man, responds to his mother’s thoughtfulness and selfless support of his academic experience with frustration and annoyance.

“I never asked mom to do any of that!” he might say when his mom or I interrupt whatever he’d rather be doing with a conversation about his school responsibilities or inform him of some mandatory calendar thing he must wake up for early on Saturday.

And sure. One way to think about it is that there’s the comfortable, default-setting way we want or expect things to go, and it’s inconvenient when someone else forces us to deviate from whatever our favorite plan or most-comfortable idea would be.

Of course, the consequence of his mother not involving herself would likely result in failing a class or two, potentially jeopardizing his tennis eligibility, or even enrollment in his school.

Yet when he’s being extra-fifteeny and a bit thoughtless, he reacts as if she’s the asshole for getting involved and making inconvenient plans for him.

Back when we were married, even though I was in my twenties and professed to be an adult, this is more or less how I responded to her when she encouraged me to join her in weekend home-cleaning or yardwork duties when I would have rather been doing something that felt less like a sixth workday that week, such as golf, or hiking, or video games, or watching a movie or ball game.

She was reasonably tolerant of my bullshit until she became a mother and got the full taste of what it takes mentally, physically, and emotionally to care for an actual child. Then she, like so many of the mothers I meet in my coaching work, realized how much of the heavy lifting she was doing in our shared lives together. That in the final analysis, her experience with me was less like an equal, reliable partner, and more like the little boy in whom she was investing so much love and care.

He was “easy” to do that work for. Kids will inevitably be kids.

But it quickly stopped being easy to do that same mental and emotional work for me, because of how much it highlighted the imbalance and inequity in our relationship. She invested more thought, managed more things, and physically accomplished more work in our shared lives together.

Once children are introduced to the family, feelings of abandonment and betrayal can emerge quickly and glaringly if partners (most often mothers) find themselves in relationships with these roles and power dynamics.

Protect Your Kids’ Mother From the Experience of Being Invisible and Unappreciated on Mother’s Day (and Your Mom Too!)

I don’t know how to say it better than that. (And here’s a free bonus tip: If you can find a way to protect her from feeling invisible and unappreciated on all of the other days too, your relationship skills will develop some badassery and your married life or co-habitation situation can thrive.)

It’s nice to make breakfast for your wife and kids. It’s nice to get her flowers or a Mother’s Day card. It’s nice to schedule a dinner reservation at a nice restaurant and take her out. It’s nice to do all sorts of common and potentially cliché Mother’s Day things for your wife.

But above all, speak words and take actions which communicate the ideas we already WANT our loved ones to think, hear, and feel.

I see you. I truly see what you give. How much you carry. How much of yourself you dedicate to loving and protecting our children. How much of yourself you invest in our marriage/partnership. How much thought, how much energy, how much love, you sacrifice so that we—so that I—can have the life that we have.

Thank you for being you. For loving so hard. For providing the comfortable privilege I have every day knowing that my children are protected and cared for so that I can go to work or travel or invest time in hobbies outside of the home without worrying about their wellbeing. I love you and I am so grateful for everything you do and everything you are.

If you’re married to one of these hard loving, hardworking moms that give all of themselves to parenting and managing a busy household (often while juggling work life as well), don’t let Mother’s Day go by without them knowing that you see who they are and what they give, and all of the sacrifice that goes into that.

Please don’t rely exclusively on flowers or a card to convey these ideas.

Try to think about the weight that perpetually rests on mom’s shoulders. Notice it. See it. Then think about how you can take action to alleviate that weight or help carry it. To a great extent on Mother’s Day. And to whatever extent actually results in a loving, equitable, trust-filled marriage or partnership the rest of the time.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF