I so appreciate your honesty about your mindset around that time. It’s rare that what you were thinking at the time is explained so clearly, with raw, unflinching self awareness. I’ve saved this to share with clients who can’t see/understand the other side.
Not necessarily because of the cheating angle (that definitely doesn’t hurt) but because people often find it mystifying why, after they drop a bomb like “I don’t love you anymore” their spouse isn’t inspired to try fight more to save the relationship.
I long ago came to believe that "seeing/understanding the other side" is quite literally the skill or ability necessary to achieve trust/security/longevity in a committed partnership, and thing most glaringly missing from my list of abilities when I was inadvertently sabotaging my marriage.
So if something I wrote once can play the tiniest role in that process for someone else, that would be great.
I really appreciate you reading and commenting. Thank you so much.
Excellently put about the empathy piece, though ‘empathy’ doesn’t quite do it justice. More like “extreme empathy with inner modeling awareness” which sounds like something totally unhelpful we’d find in the DSM5 but everyone would ignore. You’re absolutely right. If there was one make or break skill, this is probably it.
By the way, I still think about your dishes by the sink piece (and occasionally share) and have appreciated watching your superhero arc from afar. 😊
And get assailed by people screaming that people who have affairs are "ABUSIVE!!!" and I am "making excuses" for them, "condoning affairs," and "blaming the betrayed spouse."
I think we've gone WAY off the deep end with regard to the extramarital affair and need a wake up call.
People seem to struggle with nuance, and it makes conversations so hard.
Betrayal is always harmful to trust in relationships.
I do think “cheating” is bad in a super general way, though I tend to not be very judgy about things.
But the order of events in MOST relationships is:
1. One partner feels abandoned and h lived through little every day micro betrayals and rejections and shitty communication.
2. That partner eventually withdrawals.
3. The other partner feels the withdrawal and now THEY feel abandoned and lonely and rejected too.
4. One or both of them feel the allure of human connection and intimacy from another source.
5. Everyone watching says “OMG they cheated what a piece of shit”
6. No lessons are learned about how to look inward, show up more effectively, and meet your partner’s needs. OR choose a more authentic life and don’t agree to a monogamous relationship if that’s not something you actually want.
It must be exhausting having those conversations all of the time. I’m sorry that happens.
Holy shit you just won yourself a new subscriber. You literally just so beautifully gave me the perspective of my husband as we walk through this very thing…
Your writing is so engaging. You write your thoughts and emotions with such clear-eyed, crystal clarity.
I used to judge people very harshly for cheating until I ended up having an emotional affair a few years ago. I remember the exact moment something in me snapped, and I shut down completely after one of too many arguments of me screaming and never being heard. Connecting with this other woman felt like fate.. I was seen, needed, and felt alive, in a way I hadn’t. But I started idealizing her and barely recognized her or myself after a while. Months later I put an end to it and blocked her from my life because I couldn’t deal with the all-consuming guilt.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal part of your life.
Yes! I know exactly what you mean and had a very similar experience. You hit the nail on the head when you said “seen, needed, and felt alive”. That’s how I felt too.
Exactly. But I also never thought I’d be in a position to need validation outside of my marriage. To feel seen, heard, cared about. I naively believed we would mutually support each other and prioritize the other.
This was a fantastic piece. I’m newly married myself. I’ve been married to my wife for 8 months now. Granted this thought process or feeling hasn’t been experienced in my marriage but it felt very real.
I always enjoy reading pieces like this because they offer a warning for other people’s future. I hope it doesn’t happen but there could be something in 10 years where I go through this same thing. I’d like to think I wouldn’t but it’s always important to remember these types of stories. Get ahead of them before you succumb to them. Thanks again for writing this.
This is a glorious article and so well-written. I’d been you in a very long relationship that was crumbling and I was also her too. The difference between your situation and mine was that he just wasn’t willing to work on anything/himself and flatly refused to go to counselling. He was drinking really heavily and still does. We had two children about 12 and 14 when I left the second time. I felt like I was dying and nothing would change. I’m glad I did because I think I would have died if it stayed and it wasn’t great for the children. They voice that now that they’re a bit older. You had the emotional intelligence to realise that in large part the problems stemmed from you and your process of retreating when you should’ve stepped up for her when she needed you most. I was even hospitalised with burnout and some sort of palsy when things got too much but nothing changed. I take my hat off to you that you were able to realise the patterns and made deliberate and conscious efforts to change them. I hope men read this and realise the pressure that their female often working partners with children are under. It takes both of you to work on a relationship when things get hard, and I will very often get very hard. But sometimes there is a breaking point and when one person is unwilling to change then sometimes it is better to walk away. Thank you again for the way you articulated your situation. Thank you even more for having the balls to do something about it. I wish you all the very best.🙏🏼
“I went to the bar to drink and smoke cigarettes, leaving my wife at home to care for our toddler and reflect on how her husband always puts himself first during disagreements, completely dismisses her thoughts and feelings when they conflict with his interpretation of truth, and consider a future where she wouldn’t have to put up with any of that.”
I so appreciate your honesty about your mindset around that time. It’s rare that what you were thinking at the time is explained so clearly, with raw, unflinching self awareness. I’ve saved this to share with clients who can’t see/understand the other side.
Not necessarily because of the cheating angle (that definitely doesn’t hurt) but because people often find it mystifying why, after they drop a bomb like “I don’t love you anymore” their spouse isn’t inspired to try fight more to save the relationship.
Thank you, Elizabeth.
I long ago came to believe that "seeing/understanding the other side" is quite literally the skill or ability necessary to achieve trust/security/longevity in a committed partnership, and thing most glaringly missing from my list of abilities when I was inadvertently sabotaging my marriage.
So if something I wrote once can play the tiniest role in that process for someone else, that would be great.
I really appreciate you reading and commenting. Thank you so much.
It was my pleasure— well done.
Excellently put about the empathy piece, though ‘empathy’ doesn’t quite do it justice. More like “extreme empathy with inner modeling awareness” which sounds like something totally unhelpful we’d find in the DSM5 but everyone would ignore. You’re absolutely right. If there was one make or break skill, this is probably it.
By the way, I still think about your dishes by the sink piece (and occasionally share) and have appreciated watching your superhero arc from afar. 😊
Ah, a guys POV at last. I'm not condoning extramarital affairs but it's refreshing to see the other side of the coin.
Yyyyyyeah ...
I write this A LOT.
And get assailed by people screaming that people who have affairs are "ABUSIVE!!!" and I am "making excuses" for them, "condoning affairs," and "blaming the betrayed spouse."
I think we've gone WAY off the deep end with regard to the extramarital affair and need a wake up call.
People seem to struggle with nuance, and it makes conversations so hard.
Betrayal is always harmful to trust in relationships.
I do think “cheating” is bad in a super general way, though I tend to not be very judgy about things.
But the order of events in MOST relationships is:
1. One partner feels abandoned and h lived through little every day micro betrayals and rejections and shitty communication.
2. That partner eventually withdrawals.
3. The other partner feels the withdrawal and now THEY feel abandoned and lonely and rejected too.
4. One or both of them feel the allure of human connection and intimacy from another source.
5. Everyone watching says “OMG they cheated what a piece of shit”
6. No lessons are learned about how to look inward, show up more effectively, and meet your partner’s needs. OR choose a more authentic life and don’t agree to a monogamous relationship if that’s not something you actually want.
It must be exhausting having those conversations all of the time. I’m sorry that happens.
The honesty and self-awareness in this is breathtaking. Thank you.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing it.
I think there are many reasons for people to cheat, and this is probably one of the most common ones. Great post, thanks for writing it!
Holy shit you just won yourself a new subscriber. You literally just so beautifully gave me the perspective of my husband as we walk through this very thing…
Your writing is so engaging. You write your thoughts and emotions with such clear-eyed, crystal clarity.
I used to judge people very harshly for cheating until I ended up having an emotional affair a few years ago. I remember the exact moment something in me snapped, and I shut down completely after one of too many arguments of me screaming and never being heard. Connecting with this other woman felt like fate.. I was seen, needed, and felt alive, in a way I hadn’t. But I started idealizing her and barely recognized her or myself after a while. Months later I put an end to it and blocked her from my life because I couldn’t deal with the all-consuming guilt.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal part of your life.
Yes! I know exactly what you mean and had a very similar experience. You hit the nail on the head when you said “seen, needed, and felt alive”. That’s how I felt too.
Yes, it’s a lot more complicated than some people realize. Something you never thought you’d do, has now become this secret you harbor in your chest.
Exactly. But I also never thought I’d be in a position to need validation outside of my marriage. To feel seen, heard, cared about. I naively believed we would mutually support each other and prioritize the other.
I understand. I hope you’re in a better place emotionally now.
Thank you and you too!
God, this was so good.
This was a fantastic piece. I’m newly married myself. I’ve been married to my wife for 8 months now. Granted this thought process or feeling hasn’t been experienced in my marriage but it felt very real.
I always enjoy reading pieces like this because they offer a warning for other people’s future. I hope it doesn’t happen but there could be something in 10 years where I go through this same thing. I’d like to think I wouldn’t but it’s always important to remember these types of stories. Get ahead of them before you succumb to them. Thanks again for writing this.
This was really well-written - thank you!
I just bought the book. This article describes my marriage. Either I am the problem and I need to fix it or I need to leave.
Excellent, honest, accurate, relatable. 🏆🏆🏆
This is a glorious article and so well-written. I’d been you in a very long relationship that was crumbling and I was also her too. The difference between your situation and mine was that he just wasn’t willing to work on anything/himself and flatly refused to go to counselling. He was drinking really heavily and still does. We had two children about 12 and 14 when I left the second time. I felt like I was dying and nothing would change. I’m glad I did because I think I would have died if it stayed and it wasn’t great for the children. They voice that now that they’re a bit older. You had the emotional intelligence to realise that in large part the problems stemmed from you and your process of retreating when you should’ve stepped up for her when she needed you most. I was even hospitalised with burnout and some sort of palsy when things got too much but nothing changed. I take my hat off to you that you were able to realise the patterns and made deliberate and conscious efforts to change them. I hope men read this and realise the pressure that their female often working partners with children are under. It takes both of you to work on a relationship when things get hard, and I will very often get very hard. But sometimes there is a breaking point and when one person is unwilling to change then sometimes it is better to walk away. Thank you again for the way you articulated your situation. Thank you even more for having the balls to do something about it. I wish you all the very best.🙏🏼
Excellent! I was pulled in.
A for honesty but this must be the kind of down bad one should avoid at all times… this is just sad
I kind of think divorce should be sad.
Happy divorce is even more sad to me than sad divorce.
Breaking up a marriage and family should be not awesome.
“I went to the bar to drink and smoke cigarettes, leaving my wife at home to care for our toddler and reflect on how her husband always puts himself first during disagreements, completely dismisses her thoughts and feelings when they conflict with his interpretation of truth, and consider a future where she wouldn’t have to put up with any of that.”
SPOT ON.