I left a marriage like this a few months ago. Things got bad 12 years ago but I stayed because I knew coparenting and custody would be a nightmare and I feared for my kid’s safety if they were alone with him because of his extreme emotional dysregulation. About 2 years ago kiddo asked me “Mom why do you stay with him?” and I said, “because a judge, not you or me, will decide who you live with”. They got it right away…we left as soon after they turned 18 as we could.
That's a hard 12-year sacrifice to make, but I understand the calculation. It should never happen. I know it's so hard when kids challenge their mothers wanting to leave what appears to them to be a "good-enough" marriage, but it's got to be a special kind of brutal when the children recognize "this isn't right, and I wonder my mom would endure it."
I hope you're all doing as well as you possibly can be. Even when you unburden yourself of certain stressors, the change in circumstances must still be really difficult and dramatic.
I took three screenshots & sent them to my adolescent sons as preventive medicine before deciding to just forward the entire article to them. Thank you for being their parasocial uncle like this.
Man this hit home. I could have written it myself. Literally the exact same situation (minus the children from previous relationships).
I left a marriage like this a few months ago. Things got bad 12 years ago but I stayed because I knew coparenting and custody would be a nightmare and I feared for my kid’s safety if they were alone with him because of his extreme emotional dysregulation. About 2 years ago kiddo asked me “Mom why do you stay with him?” and I said, “because a judge, not you or me, will decide who you live with”. They got it right away…we left as soon after they turned 18 as we could.
I'm really sorry for all of you.
That's a hard 12-year sacrifice to make, but I understand the calculation. It should never happen. I know it's so hard when kids challenge their mothers wanting to leave what appears to them to be a "good-enough" marriage, but it's got to be a special kind of brutal when the children recognize "this isn't right, and I wonder my mom would endure it."
I hope you're all doing as well as you possibly can be. Even when you unburden yourself of certain stressors, the change in circumstances must still be really difficult and dramatic.
Thanks for taking the time to share that here.
I took three screenshots & sent them to my adolescent sons as preventive medicine before deciding to just forward the entire article to them. Thank you for being their parasocial uncle like this.