She Doesn't Want to Move in With Him Because of His Housecleaning Habits

How do you feel about relativism? What she considers dirty, he considers acceptable. Who gets to decide? Whose standards matter more? Who wins?

Image/RhodeIslandMoms.com

R.B. writes:

I’ve been dating a guy for nearly two years. It’s somewhat of a long distance relationship within our State. We live 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other, so it requires a lot of patience and driving back and forth to continue our relationship. I am a very organized and tidy person. I keep my house clean and picked up. I don’t leave dirty dishes in my sink or laundry spread about, and I wipe down surfaces in the kitchen and bathrooms daily. When I visit my boyfriend his house is just an absolute disaster. Days worth of dirty, crusty dishes in the sink, spoiled food in the fridge, animal hair on everything (as he has a dog and two cats), dog toys and junk scattered across his yard.. I find it really hard to relax there and my allergies and anxiety are in full swing. When we’ve tried to discuss this, he feels judged and start saying things like “he’s never enough” or “it’s not that bad” or “I should see so and so’s house, it’s much worse”… and it’s making me crazy. I usually spend the first couple hours upon arriving helping him clean. He’s been wanting to move in together somewhere central to where we both currently live. I don’t think I can take the next step in our relationship because of his lack of cleanliness and it makes me feel bad. It seems like a simple fix, but it’s been going on for two years. We fundamentally see things differently on this front, and it’s making me want to call it quits.

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Hey R.B.

Let’s not mince words. You should not choose to enmesh yourself in a partnership and living situation that consistently results in negative and/or painful outcomes for you.

If you are able to carry on a healthy, connected relationship living in separate homes, I hope you’ll consider doing so.

There’s no scenario here where adopting a dog, two cats, and a roommate who leaves you frequent daily reminders that what matters to you will never matter to him, and who will always act in accordance with what he wants—not what you want—allows you get to have a secure, healthy, mutually respectful partnership.

If you don’t already know, I was the very guy you’re talking about, and in a lot of ways, still am. There’s no chance I keep my kitchen or bathrooms as tidy as you do, whether it’s the occasional dish in the sink or leftover container of spoiled food in the fridge.

I promise I’m not proud of it. It’s some combination of ADHD and having different standards for myself than I do for others.

I’ve done a lot of personal growth and relational work over the past 12 years. (This past April 1 was the anniversary of my marriage and former family life ending.)

That didn’t change me into someone with extraordinary housecleaning habits. Quite the opposite, actually. I was pretty good about keeping the house tidy at the beginning of my separation and divorce after 13 years of coupledom. But those standards and habits have waned a bit over time. I might be a little better than R.B.’s partner, but probably not by a ton.

The Answer is Not Agreement—It’s Consideration

Ever since publishing the viral article about leaving dishes by the sink more than nine years ago, I’ve been having this debate/conversation with people. And I’ve easily heard it a hundred times from my relationship coaching clients through the years.

“But Matt! We simply have different standards! What seems appropriately clean and organized to me might be something she finds fault with. Why does it seem like she always has to get her way? Why does what she wants get to be the gold standard, and what I want doesn’t matter?”

I don’t think this is an entirely unfair line of questioning, but it also tends to be chock full of double standards and excuses.

In theory, if it were 10 out of 10 important to someone that the kitchen and bathrooms remain in some state of quasi-disarray, I suppose I’d entertain this conversation with as much grace, compassion, and patience as I can muster.

Because I do think what matters to BOTH partners must be honored in relationships in order for there to be an appropriate amount of security and trust between them.

I stop short of believing there are very many people who actually crave messy rooms in their house (and I’m saying that as someone with plenty of messiness in mine).

What that person tends to want is an absence of responsibility or accountability because it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable. It might be a guy who feels as if he works long, difficult hours throughout the workweek, and doesn’t want the first thing being thrown at him on Saturday morning to be guilt- or shame-triggering demands for him to do more and give more when it’s the first time he’s had a clear calendar for a while.

I liked reading the newspaper and watching ESPN’s SportsCenter on Saturday morning with a cup of coffee. My ex-wife was eager to get the house cleaned and organized before we ventured out for a hike, or met up with friends for a party.

I’d look around and think: Gee. This looks pretty nice to me. Why am I being made to do a bunch of chores I don’t believe are necessary?

And then I’d whine about it, and sometimes, she’d relent, and other times, I would.

Point being, I wasn’t arguing in favor of having dirty floors and things out of place. I was arguing in favor of having time and space with zero responsibilities. Where people can just play, because there’s a glaring absence of play in adulthood, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

What I couldn’t understand in my marriage that I can understand now, is that my wife wasn’t able to play when she had a running list of chores that needed to be done, or errands that needed to be run.

It’s hard to act as if you feel light and stress-free and without responsibilities, when in fact you feel burdened, over-taxed, and as if there are too many things that need to be done and not enough time and energy to tend to all of it.

And that’s what I was asking her to do. I, literally, didn’t give a damn, so it was easy for me to act free and easy on Saturday, or any other time.

She felt the weight of adult responsibility when it came to keeping the house and property nice, scheduling time with friends and family, managing finances and performing her professional responsibilities, all of which were exacerbated when she gave birth to our son.

…

At this point in this newsletter, two camps will have formed.

One camp will largely be comprised of men who strongly identify with my former self’s desire to have free-and-easy weekends, celebrating escaping the unpleasant weight of adult responsibility.

The other camp will likely be comprised of women who, if they didn’t realize it before, will fully understand why my ex-wife chose to end our marriage 12 years ago, because I just described things their husband says and does, which they likely experience as abandonment and micro-betrayal, if not full-fledged regular-sized betrayal.

In my marriage, I sided with the people trying to evade shared domestic responsibility. You’ll notice I’m now divorced.

Today, I side with the people holding themselves and their partner to a higher standard, as inconvenient as that might seem to the person who just wants to feel “good enough” as they are, and resents the implication that they’re a bad partner simply because they have different standards around how the house should look and feel.

But None of This is About Agreement

I “agree” with everyone. Adult houses should be clean and the more disciplined/responsible partner shouldn’t suffer abandonment every time they wish a project or job were done that the other person isn’t prioritizing. AND, I agree that it sucks that most of us go to work every weekday in exchange for money that we use to pay for the house we live in, the food we eat, and the machines we use to transport us to and from the job we have.

That’s life for most Americans, and that time and financial exchange seems more difficult and unfair every year that the cost of living increases while compensation for work fails to keep up.

What helps us through difficult times?

Support. Partnership. Having someone to help carry the things that are physically or emotionally too heavy to carry alone.

This is where the value of healthy relationships—healthy and secure partnership comes in.

And the foundation of a healthy partnership is Consideration. Simple consideration.

Which I define relationally as the ability to trust your partner to handle with care that which matters most to you, even if they don’t think and feel the exact same about it.

Which in the context of this newsletter means, even if I think you’re being a little extra about how clean the kitchen or bathroom needs to be, as your relationship partner, I will not leave evidence that you can’t trust me to honor this thing that matters to you.

I will not leave the bathroom in disarray. I will not leave dirty dishes in the sink.

Not because I feel the exact same way that you do—God knows I don’t. But because I will never communicate to you, via my actions or words, that I will always prioritize everything I want and consider important over everything you want and consider important.

Because if I do that, I don’t get to have a healthy, secure, mutually respectful partnership anymore.

And that has always applied—and will always apply—to every relationship you have from now until eternity.

The quality of your relationships will be predicated on whether your words and actions add up to the other person experiencing consideration of their needs and wants.

I see you. I hear you. I know you well enough to understand what matters to you versus what doesn’t, and you can always trust me to honor your experiences even when they’re vastly different from my own.

Anything less than that?

Well. You already know what that feels like.

And so do I.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF