Stop F***ing Up Your Relationships
Join me for a two-night, live Relationships 101 Zoom event December 9-10 and let's make this holiday season one that strengthens, rather than harms, our marriages/partnerships
The holidays are approaching fast.
There are houses to clean, food to buy and prepare, phone calls to make, decorations to swap out of storage, invitations to send, gifts to purchase and wrap, deeply held traditions to observe, and all of the blind-spot stuff that I’m not even thinking about.
Researchers at the University of Washington (professor Julie Brines and doctoral candidate Brian Serafini) discovered a twice-yearly pattern in divorce filings in their state over a 14-year period. Divorce filings peaked in March and August.
Or, in other words, after winter holidays and after summer holidays.
My relationship coaching business is seasonal in this same way. I always get an uptick in new clients after summer, but even more substantially after the busy winter holiday season. It happens every year.
Why?
Because people and relationships are stress-tested by busy travel seasons, and busy holiday seasons more than any other time of year on average. You can re-create these conditions by having a baby, planning a wedding, or moving to a new house in a new city, but for most people most of the time, the holidays come around every year to remind you of just how much of a checked-out, unreliable, unhelpful partner you have, or how naggy, sensitive, unreasonably harsh, demanding, needy, and stressed-out they are.
Why does he do that? I don’t ask for much.
Why does she do that? I wasn’t TRYING to be an asshole.
Relationships are hard. They’re difficult. Not complicated like quantum mechanics and advanced trigonometry. Relationships are difficult in the same way that losing 40 pounds or training for a marathon is. For the most part, we all understand how it works.
It requires a conscious decision to do things differently EVERY day in service of a larger goal. Being skinnier and healthier. Having the stamina to run 26 miles and 385 yards. (I literally just learned that specific fact. 26.2 is actually 26.2188 miles or 42.195 kilometers.)
It’s a decision we choose to make.
Sometimes I can help with things like this.
You’re not going to get into a bunch of fights this holiday season because your spouse or partner is a particular brand of asshole. You’re probably married to a person who is well liked by most people they know and interact with, and who execute their jobs and hobbies at a really high level, and who you believe loves you even though their behavior hurts you more than anyone else’s. Most of the micro-betrayals and pain points this holiday season will happen when you don’t see them coming at all.
That’s 85 percent of relationship work. Consciousness. Noticing. Intentionality. Ohhhhhh. She’s a person, and sometimes the shit I do when I’m busy and not paying enough attention results in her life feeling harder and more lonely, and then when she tries to talk to me about it, I remind her that I’m a good guy and no one else is mad at me, and it was all an innocent misunderstanding, and I wish she would take it easy. But we’ve been having the exact same conversation for 15-25 years, and my apologies no longer move the needle. Maybe I should try something different.
Yes! Fucking that, exactly! Try something different!
Let’s talk about how!
We’re going to have a live, online Zoom event I’m calling Relationships 101. It will be a two-night event. I’ll just put the details here:
Relationships 101 with Matthew Fray (Two-Night Event)
Identify behavioral blind spots and unhealthy communication patterns in your most important relationships, and learn how to approach them differently in ways that serve, rather than inadvertently harm, your marriage or long-term romantic partnership.
🗓 December 9 & 10, 2025
⏰ 7:30 PM ET (both nights - we’re planning for two hours each session)
💻 Live on Zoom
💵 $225 (couples are welcome to attend together or separately with the same link)
Zoom link will be emailed with confirmed dates and times after signup.
If you’ve been having the same fight with your partner for 10 or more years, please seriously consider clicking that blue button and reserving your seat. Let’s inject some hope into 2026.
We’re going to talk about the everyday things that are sabotaging love and trust and intimacy in your marriages/partnerships. We’re going to name these things and learn how to see them, because that’s the first step toward eliminating harmful stuff. Noticing it in the first place.
These ideas aren’t super-heady and fancy and difficult to understand. EVERYONE can understand. (I know this because I’m not that smart, yet I now understand and teach these ideas.)
We’re going to use a down-to-earth, common sense, simple approach to radically transforming our relational lives so that our intentions and feelings actually align with our partner’s and family’s experiences.
That’s all we want really. To see and be seen. To hear and be heard. To love and be loved.
All of us doing that would change the whole fucking world. In a beautiful, purposeful, genuinely inspiring way. Don’t doubt it.
Anyway, tell your friends. If you’re feeling sporty, buy a copy of my book This is How Your Marriage Ends. It’s underrated. Or rather, it’s appropriately rated, but not enough people know about it. One of the two. It’s funnier than you might imagine, and an excellent palate setter for the Relationships 101 class.
Hope to see you there.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
Thanks for your comments on the group sessions, which I am curious about but haven't yet worked up the courage to commit to.
I would encourage Jeri and everyone here to, if you haven't already, read This is How Your Marriage Ends. I've read many psychology books on relationships, but Matthew's book is by far the most practical and helpful I've read regarding the nature of long-term relationships. If you've already read it, wait a year or so and read it again. I admit to being put off by the title initially--why would I want to read about how my marriage ENDS?--but the title is perfect once you've read the book. The best thing I can say is that at times it seemed like the author had been a fly on the wall in our home witnessing our interactions, discussions, and arguments. In the end it is encouraging to know that our "issues" are hardly unique, and are in fact shared by countless other well-meaning couples. Matthew, I'm sorry to hear about a financial crisis--that sounds very stressful. You have helped so many people, myself included, and I wish you continued and lasting success, which you certainly deserve.
Always real truth that resonates deeply.