Matthew Fray you are amazing! I can’t get enough of your podcasts and writings. Wish they would have saved my marriage. Lost my Dad 21 months ago and my marriage has fallen apart. I’ve had him listen to your podcasts and all I get blank look. It’s crazy! I’m not at all innocent, but I can’t keep initiating trying to fix things with no avail. Filed two days before our 25 year anniversary. 44 and starting life over. So sad!
I think the effects of the "little household letdowns" can be totally mitigated without trying to cure all your faults. In the beginning of the relationship we're trying to win each other over. There is lots of obvious effort, and lots of excitement to fuel the subconscious question/answer interactions that reaffirm the connection. (Think Gottman's "bids") After marriage, we lessen the big efforts and are just left with these micro interactions, which are more easily affected by stress, fatigue, unrelated disappointments, grief etc. I think women are generally more sensitive to all of this and explains how some women can stay in an obviously abusive situation- the "love bombing" is loud and clear ( and convincing.) For couples that neglect those bigger efforts to clarify the connection, inconsistent confirmations on the micro level changes the dish by the sink from "his quirk" to "is he shitting all over my efforts to keep things nice? Am I invisible to him? Do my feelings matter?" And thats how it becomes not about the dish. If those questions are answered elsewhere, the dish stays a dish even if it's annoying AF.
I really need to figure out the why.
Ha. Everyone does, good sir.
Excellent article!! You really hit the nail on the head.
Matthew Fray you are amazing! I can’t get enough of your podcasts and writings. Wish they would have saved my marriage. Lost my Dad 21 months ago and my marriage has fallen apart. I’ve had him listen to your podcasts and all I get blank look. It’s crazy! I’m not at all innocent, but I can’t keep initiating trying to fix things with no avail. Filed two days before our 25 year anniversary. 44 and starting life over. So sad!
I think the effects of the "little household letdowns" can be totally mitigated without trying to cure all your faults. In the beginning of the relationship we're trying to win each other over. There is lots of obvious effort, and lots of excitement to fuel the subconscious question/answer interactions that reaffirm the connection. (Think Gottman's "bids") After marriage, we lessen the big efforts and are just left with these micro interactions, which are more easily affected by stress, fatigue, unrelated disappointments, grief etc. I think women are generally more sensitive to all of this and explains how some women can stay in an obviously abusive situation- the "love bombing" is loud and clear ( and convincing.) For couples that neglect those bigger efforts to clarify the connection, inconsistent confirmations on the micro level changes the dish by the sink from "his quirk" to "is he shitting all over my efforts to keep things nice? Am I invisible to him? Do my feelings matter?" And thats how it becomes not about the dish. If those questions are answered elsewhere, the dish stays a dish even if it's annoying AF.