Stuck in Your Relationship? Let’s Talk. Ask Your Hardest Questions.

I've been researching a variety of relationship topics over the past couple of weeks, but I'm much more interested in your grounded, real-world scenarios.

Image/iStock

What’s going on in your relational life that you’re comfortable asking about? I want to know, and I want to discuss it with you, and when applicable, try to answer your questions if I’m able to.

What hurts?

What pisses you off?

What worries you?

What do you feel unconfident about?

What seems unfair?

What seems impossible?

Does your spouse/partner do things that concern you? If so, and if you’d like to, please share your stories for discussion.

To be sure, sometimes after learning someone’s story and circumstances the answer is: Oh man. That is so hard, and I can’t even imagine the stress and heartache. I wish there were something tangible I could say or do to help.

Because, of course, sometimes I can’t help at all.

Over the years, I’ve had relationship coaching clients with like five kids, two of whom are confined to wheelchairs and hospital beds at home, and need to be fed by hand or via tube every day. And mom is there trying to love and care for everyone, sometimes with the help of hired medical support or family and friends. Dad is traveling all of the time for his really good job that just barely allows them to pay for all of this and make ends meet.

They’re both visiting doctors and hospitals on behalf of their children all over the country at various intervals.

And then there’s all of the “regular” stuff that the rest of us care about like keeping up with laundry, and getting the other kids to little league games and school plays and shit.

Can you imagine wanting to wine and dine and sex each other up (or having the energy to), and having the deepest conversations about hopes and dreams with your spouse under those circumstances?

There’s no magic bullet for that scenario. It’s objectively, profoundly stressful and difficult to love and support one another even on their best, “easiest” days.

I’ve seriously had four or five couples/families with almost exactly that same story over the years.

That’s my disclaimer that I don’t pretend to have all of the answers. I just want to have meaningful, relatable marriage/relationship/dating/divorce conversations that matter to you and others.

I’d also like to note that relativism can be a dangerous thing. Because I used to point to examples like those families who have difficult circumstances as a means of invalidating my wife’s pains and concerns because clearly her life wasn’t as hard as that woman’s, and clearly our problems weren’t as big or bad as their problems—and look—they’re still married!

It’s bullshit and unfair. What hurts people, HURTS people, regardless of whether you and I agree that it SHOULD hurt them. People do not require our approval to feel pain. Turns out, they’ll feel it anyway.

I am fully on board with the “small things” like a dirty dish left by the sink being a legitimate source of pain in your life, even if other people’s pains and problems seem “bigger” or “more painful” than yours.

So. If the mood strikes, lay it on us.

What is happening in your relational life that we might be able to have important conversations about?

Please share in the comments below.

---

Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF