I've been researching a variety of relationship topics over the past couple of weeks, but I'm much more interested in your grounded, real-world scenarios.
• He cannot offer me emotional support, occasionally basic, but this is inconsistent. Mostly he has emotional reactions to me displaying any strong emotions (irrespective if this is just about my stress and not an argument). This has been for many years.
• He cannot offer me any change towards mental, physical or emotional equity in responsibilities in our family. Over the past 5 years this has only increased in disparity.
• He cannot hear me when I ask for things. It's either a debate or a zillion questions. And when its for me, it's never really heard and he makes up his own mind. For my 40th birthday I asked (4weeks before) to go for a massage, to go away for 1 night as a family, and for some things in the house to be cleaned. He chose for us to go away for 2 nights, and didn't organise the massage but asked me about where to do it 2 days before, so there were no options. On my birthday I was so run down emotionally I said I felt physically unwell, and watched TV all day, while he cleaned some bits in the house (not the stuff i gave him the lost for. But mould in out childs room that needed going, because she was due an operation the following week - so somehting that was immediate).
• He cannot offer me desire, care, joy or specialness - he does not seek out ways to give to me, to be with me, to cherish me, to be in love with me. (This has been years. And in past 6-12 months I've given up on this too, and have little drive to. Without the others above, I can no longer want to.)
My difficulty is it's hard to trust this isn't only my perception now. That I've got it wrong. Lack of communication and connection means how do I know my assumptions of his experience are true. I get lost between... 'is that me not trusting my own opinion/experience/self' = it's true and we need to end. And ... 'if I present all this to him will it reveal things I don't yet know about what he thinks/feels, and thus mean we can work'.
The unknowing is an emotional toil that is a large part of why I am burnout and off sick from my job.
Hard to pick just one! Been with my husband for 25 years and I’m the only one who thinks we need help. He’s truly a wonderful man who always wears his rose colored glasses but can’t validate my feelings..whether about us or anything else. I end up feeling like the crazy one. Have asked him many times to try marriage coaching or even just having a conversation with me…I am shut out and he turns it into something funny. He used to put his arm over his face and ignore me when I was upset about something, he’s improved I guess..now just says nothing.
He has ADD and we own 2 businesses together, household and now grown kids but I feel like I have done and do about 90 percent of everything! Worn out and I’ve got the fuck it, I’m 50 and feeling done stage!
I loved your glass by the sink article and your wonderful book..couldn’t get him to read either! Glad you can help me feel validated!
I think the thing that I find the hardest to deal with or "handle" is his dishonesty. I can't trust him, and the stuff he is dishonest about is just dumb. Last night he took our dog for a walk in the rain (this dog hates to get wet) so I knew he wanted an excuse to "stop by and see his friend who would just happen to live on the route that he would randomly decide to take for the walk." I have to drag this dog outside if she even thinks she might get her feet wet (she is 130 lbs. and doesn't make it easy) and he decided to walk her in the pouring rain. OMG. Nobody in their right mind wants to walk a 130lb. dog that hates getting wet in the rain just so they can stop by and spend time with a buddy and think they are getting away with something. The part that really confuses me is why go to all that trouble when you can just say "I'm gonna run over to Joe's house and hang out for a little while", and then get in your truck and drive over and stay dry. I don't care if he hangs out with his friend. I like the guy, his wife and I get along, and I always feel welcome at their house. When I see them they are always polite, and they never try to hide the fact that my husband has been there. In other words they are normal and honest people. So why would someone with any smarts lie about something like this. It is like I am dealing with a child. I don't understand it and frankly I don't want to have to deal with the childish games anymore. We have been married for 30 years and I would much rather spend the next 30 alone than with someone who wants to make everything some kind of stupid game. I just don't get why. I have told him if he didn't change this behavior I was going to file for divorce. I raised my kids already, and they turned out fine. I don't want to have to raise my husband. I deserve to be with someone I can trust who is a partner, not someone who is constantly trying to sneak something past me. I can't even think about putting up with this crap for the next year let alone the rest of my life.
I’ve been dating a guy for nearly two years. It’s somewhat of a long distance relationship within our State. We live 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other, so it requires a lot of patience and driving back and forth to continue our relationship. I am a very organized and tidy person. I keep my house clean and picked up. I don’t leave dirty dishes in my sink or laundry spread about, and I wipe down surfaces in the kitchen and bathrooms daily. When I visit my boyfriend his house is just an absolute disaster. Days worth of dirty, crusty dishes in the sink, spoiled food in the fridge, animal hair on everything (as he has a dog and two cats), dog toys and junk scattered across his yard.. I find it really hard to relax there and my allergies and anxiety are in full swing. When we’ve tried to discuss this, he feels judged and start saying things like “he’s never enough” or “it’s not that bad” or “I should see so and so’s house, it’s much worse”.. and it’s making me crazy. I usually spend the first couple hours upon arriving helping him clean. He’s been wanting to move in together somewhere central to where we both currently live. I don’t think I can take the next step in our relationship because of his lack of cleanliness and it makes me feel bad. It seems like a simple fix, but it’s been going on for two years. We fundamentally see things differently on this front, and it’s making me want to call it quits.
I totally feel your whole paragraph! I moved in with my bf who is not tidy at all and has 2 kids 17, and 12. They aren’t tidy either. It was so frustrating, my anxiety was on 1,000 as well!
I have since moved back out on my own. I have way less anxiety. When I do go to his house to visit or spend the night I truly dislike being there because of the disarray. Like you said, counters not wiped down, bathroom floors not vacuumed etc. It’s hard and I get it.
I wouldn’t move in, moving in made it worse for me. Him and I have other issues as well, boundaries with his kids and a few others.
Interesting day for you to ask this, since I happen to have one handy. It's a trivial issue but illustrates what I think is an important point.
I am kind of into recycling. In particular, I subscribe to Ridwell which takes a lot of plastics that the curbside recycling does not. My partner thinks I'm kind of over the top about this and likes to tease me about it, but he's not opposed to it either. He just doesn't care about it himself.
A couple of days ago he was gathering the curbside recycling and I said he could open a shipping box to get rid of it. Said box contained several cases of cat food, which come wrapped in plastic.
This morning I noticed that he had taken the wrapping off of the cat food and put it away. Gold star for him - he has never done this before. But I also realized that the wrapping plastic was nowhere to be found. Not in the kitchen trash, not in the Ridwell collection box. That means he got rid of it when he took out the trash carts, either in the trash or the recycling cart. They don't take this type of plastic, so either choice would have been incorrect.
Now, I have a dilemma. If I ask him what he did with it, he will immediately feel criticized. I don't want to discourage him from doing such acts of service in the future. But if I can't say anything about it then there's no way to let him know where he should put it the next time, and I will be frustrated by feeling like I can't speak up.
He is very critical of himself, and if he knew he'd done it "wrong" he'd beat himself up about it. But he won't ask me what to do when he's not sure, either - he just does something, usually without a whole lot of thought. It happens with small things like this and much bigger ones as well. How does one break this pattern?
He wants to know how to 'fix' our issues however, when I start to tell him what has hurt me--and cite examples of the hurtful behavior from the past to explain what I'm trying to convey--he accuses me of not letting things go. Then proceeds to tell me we need to look through the windshield, not in the rearview mirror. (I've come to detest that phrase.)
For a long time, I thought I was 'stuck' in the past. Then it finally hit me... we have the same fights over and over again because he demonstrates the same hurtful behavior over and over.
I finally realized it's not the FIGHTS that are the problem--it's him and his inability to filter his comments and opinions, restrain his temper, etc. Now that I've filed for divorce, he wants to truly work on it. How do I know? He asked me what books he should read. (I've already given him yours--it was eye opening for about 3 weeks, and then when I didn't respond the way he thought I should to his efforts, he stopped working on it.) I still have some feelings of love for him. We have 3 kids, a comfortable financial life, but I really don't think I like him anymore. I definitely don't trust him with my heart.
• He cannot offer me emotional support, occasionally basic, but this is inconsistent. Mostly he has emotional reactions to me displaying any strong emotions (irrespective if this is just about my stress and not an argument). This has been for many years.
• He cannot offer me any change towards mental, physical or emotional equity in responsibilities in our family. Over the past 5 years this has only increased in disparity.
• He cannot hear me when I ask for things. It's either a debate or a zillion questions. And when its for me, it's never really heard and he makes up his own mind. For my 40th birthday I asked (4weeks before) to go for a massage, to go away for 1 night as a family, and for some things in the house to be cleaned. He chose for us to go away for 2 nights, and didn't organise the massage but asked me about where to do it 2 days before, so there were no options. On my birthday I was so run down emotionally I said I felt physically unwell, and watched TV all day, while he cleaned some bits in the house (not the stuff i gave him the lost for. But mould in out childs room that needed going, because she was due an operation the following week - so somehting that was immediate).
• He cannot offer me desire, care, joy or specialness - he does not seek out ways to give to me, to be with me, to cherish me, to be in love with me. (This has been years. And in past 6-12 months I've given up on this too, and have little drive to. Without the others above, I can no longer want to.)
My difficulty is it's hard to trust this isn't only my perception now. That I've got it wrong. Lack of communication and connection means how do I know my assumptions of his experience are true. I get lost between... 'is that me not trusting my own opinion/experience/self' = it's true and we need to end. And ... 'if I present all this to him will it reveal things I don't yet know about what he thinks/feels, and thus mean we can work'.
The unknowing is an emotional toil that is a large part of why I am burnout and off sick from my job.
Hard to pick just one! Been with my husband for 25 years and I’m the only one who thinks we need help. He’s truly a wonderful man who always wears his rose colored glasses but can’t validate my feelings..whether about us or anything else. I end up feeling like the crazy one. Have asked him many times to try marriage coaching or even just having a conversation with me…I am shut out and he turns it into something funny. He used to put his arm over his face and ignore me when I was upset about something, he’s improved I guess..now just says nothing.
He has ADD and we own 2 businesses together, household and now grown kids but I feel like I have done and do about 90 percent of everything! Worn out and I’ve got the fuck it, I’m 50 and feeling done stage!
I loved your glass by the sink article and your wonderful book..couldn’t get him to read either! Glad you can help me feel validated!
Here's a good one:
How do you deal with a partner who procrastinates?
I think the thing that I find the hardest to deal with or "handle" is his dishonesty. I can't trust him, and the stuff he is dishonest about is just dumb. Last night he took our dog for a walk in the rain (this dog hates to get wet) so I knew he wanted an excuse to "stop by and see his friend who would just happen to live on the route that he would randomly decide to take for the walk." I have to drag this dog outside if she even thinks she might get her feet wet (she is 130 lbs. and doesn't make it easy) and he decided to walk her in the pouring rain. OMG. Nobody in their right mind wants to walk a 130lb. dog that hates getting wet in the rain just so they can stop by and spend time with a buddy and think they are getting away with something. The part that really confuses me is why go to all that trouble when you can just say "I'm gonna run over to Joe's house and hang out for a little while", and then get in your truck and drive over and stay dry. I don't care if he hangs out with his friend. I like the guy, his wife and I get along, and I always feel welcome at their house. When I see them they are always polite, and they never try to hide the fact that my husband has been there. In other words they are normal and honest people. So why would someone with any smarts lie about something like this. It is like I am dealing with a child. I don't understand it and frankly I don't want to have to deal with the childish games anymore. We have been married for 30 years and I would much rather spend the next 30 alone than with someone who wants to make everything some kind of stupid game. I just don't get why. I have told him if he didn't change this behavior I was going to file for divorce. I raised my kids already, and they turned out fine. I don't want to have to raise my husband. I deserve to be with someone I can trust who is a partner, not someone who is constantly trying to sneak something past me. I can't even think about putting up with this crap for the next year let alone the rest of my life.
I’ve been dating a guy for nearly two years. It’s somewhat of a long distance relationship within our State. We live 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other, so it requires a lot of patience and driving back and forth to continue our relationship. I am a very organized and tidy person. I keep my house clean and picked up. I don’t leave dirty dishes in my sink or laundry spread about, and I wipe down surfaces in the kitchen and bathrooms daily. When I visit my boyfriend his house is just an absolute disaster. Days worth of dirty, crusty dishes in the sink, spoiled food in the fridge, animal hair on everything (as he has a dog and two cats), dog toys and junk scattered across his yard.. I find it really hard to relax there and my allergies and anxiety are in full swing. When we’ve tried to discuss this, he feels judged and start saying things like “he’s never enough” or “it’s not that bad” or “I should see so and so’s house, it’s much worse”.. and it’s making me crazy. I usually spend the first couple hours upon arriving helping him clean. He’s been wanting to move in together somewhere central to where we both currently live. I don’t think I can take the next step in our relationship because of his lack of cleanliness and it makes me feel bad. It seems like a simple fix, but it’s been going on for two years. We fundamentally see things differently on this front, and it’s making me want to call it quits.
I totally feel your whole paragraph! I moved in with my bf who is not tidy at all and has 2 kids 17, and 12. They aren’t tidy either. It was so frustrating, my anxiety was on 1,000 as well!
I have since moved back out on my own. I have way less anxiety. When I do go to his house to visit or spend the night I truly dislike being there because of the disarray. Like you said, counters not wiped down, bathroom floors not vacuumed etc. It’s hard and I get it.
I wouldn’t move in, moving in made it worse for me. Him and I have other issues as well, boundaries with his kids and a few others.
I couldn’t be happier living back on my own.
Interesting day for you to ask this, since I happen to have one handy. It's a trivial issue but illustrates what I think is an important point.
I am kind of into recycling. In particular, I subscribe to Ridwell which takes a lot of plastics that the curbside recycling does not. My partner thinks I'm kind of over the top about this and likes to tease me about it, but he's not opposed to it either. He just doesn't care about it himself.
A couple of days ago he was gathering the curbside recycling and I said he could open a shipping box to get rid of it. Said box contained several cases of cat food, which come wrapped in plastic.
This morning I noticed that he had taken the wrapping off of the cat food and put it away. Gold star for him - he has never done this before. But I also realized that the wrapping plastic was nowhere to be found. Not in the kitchen trash, not in the Ridwell collection box. That means he got rid of it when he took out the trash carts, either in the trash or the recycling cart. They don't take this type of plastic, so either choice would have been incorrect.
Now, I have a dilemma. If I ask him what he did with it, he will immediately feel criticized. I don't want to discourage him from doing such acts of service in the future. But if I can't say anything about it then there's no way to let him know where he should put it the next time, and I will be frustrated by feeling like I can't speak up.
He is very critical of himself, and if he knew he'd done it "wrong" he'd beat himself up about it. But he won't ask me what to do when he's not sure, either - he just does something, usually without a whole lot of thought. It happens with small things like this and much bigger ones as well. How does one break this pattern?
He wants to know how to 'fix' our issues however, when I start to tell him what has hurt me--and cite examples of the hurtful behavior from the past to explain what I'm trying to convey--he accuses me of not letting things go. Then proceeds to tell me we need to look through the windshield, not in the rearview mirror. (I've come to detest that phrase.)
For a long time, I thought I was 'stuck' in the past. Then it finally hit me... we have the same fights over and over again because he demonstrates the same hurtful behavior over and over.
I finally realized it's not the FIGHTS that are the problem--it's him and his inability to filter his comments and opinions, restrain his temper, etc. Now that I've filed for divorce, he wants to truly work on it. How do I know? He asked me what books he should read. (I've already given him yours--it was eye opening for about 3 weeks, and then when I didn't respond the way he thought I should to his efforts, he stopped working on it.) I still have some feelings of love for him. We have 3 kids, a comfortable financial life, but I really don't think I like him anymore. I definitely don't trust him with my heart.