The Single Life is a Viable and Attractive Choice
You can wake up every day, make pretty much everything about you, and it won't be the slightest bit selfish or unhealthy.
This is just food for thought.
What is the virtue of being in a relationship if whenever there’s conflict or disagreement, you’re always going to choose yourself over your partner?
Why not be single where choosing yourself and doing whatever you want all the time is the dominant lifestyle feature?
Those are real questions that I hope you’ll consider and answer.
Marriage and relationships are a choice.
And they’re going to be ass if you think and behave as single people do (which is common among many men and young people, in general).
I don’t mean staying out all night, or being sexually unfaithful, or living separately.
What sets apart a single person from a person in a healthy relationship is the ability and willingness to not think for just one person—but both of you.
It’s about including the other person in your thoughts and decisions and activities.
And the especially difficult part is where you have to demonstrate love, care, respect, and support even when they say things or feel things that you don’t like or agree with.
She says: “It hurt me when you did that.”
He, of course, thinks that’s ridiculous and says so: “Good grief. Nothing about what I did hurt you. Get a grip. How could you think that or say that about me? Why is nothing I do ever good enough for you?”
Your partner must be able to trust that they can tell you something is wrong, and have you treat them with love and care even when you disagree with them or fail to understand how they came to the conclusion that they did.
This type of routine conflict is often what destroys couples and families over decades.
The absence of trust. The absence of successful conversation in which we articulate how much the other person matters to us, and how much we care about their experiences even when we’re a little confused about them.
Sharing a life with someone must include this work.
Or.
What if we DIDN’T share a life with someone?
We can literally do what we want, when we want, and there won’t be anyone to inconvenience us with their divergent experiences and thoughts and emotions.
Please pick one.
And if you decide the rich rewards of companionship and intimacy and sharing a life with someone else is in your best interest, I hope you’ll do the work to give that person and that relationship every opportunity to thrive.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
I absolutely love Matthew’s posts! I cried the first time I listened to one of his podcasts. It was like finally someone gets what I’ve been trying to say to my husband. Hearing the story of how his wife left him after her Dad died is exactly what I did with my husband and almost the same amount of time had passed… like 18 months. Didn’t at the time know anything about Matthew’s posts. It’s good to see a good quality man stand up and say to these men, “hey there’s a huge issue here.” I even let my husband listen to the podcast and he had a blank stare. Nothing got through to him. I continued about 14 times going back over and over and over again. I know……The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results- Albert Einstein
25 years together and 3 kids. I’m now 44. My heart still breaks that someone could not care after so many years together. I’m not an angel, but I’m in therapy working on myself and admitting my wrongs. I do know that I’m gonna be one bada$$
Love to all y’all
I’ve been reading your stuff (❤️) for a couple of years now. You’ve been trying to get men to understand for a while now. Are you as frustrated as the other half of the population yet? Lol
The emotional, psychological, financial, domestic labor, sexual and physical abuse are control and power mechanisms to keep women serving at the whims of dudes and their pleasure. They benefit from it. I know you have changed some hearts and minds on the matter.
Serious question, do you have plans to write and call it what it is - abuse?