The Single Life is a Viable and Attractive Choice

You can wake up every day, make pretty much everything about you, and it won't be the slightest bit selfish or unhealthy.

It’s true! Image/Blog Talk Radio

This is just food for thought.

• What is the virtue of being in a relationship if whenever there’s conflict or disagreement, you’re always going to choose yourself over your partner?

• Why not be single where choosing yourself and doing whatever you want all the time is the dominant lifestyle feature?

Those are real questions that I hope you’ll consider and answer.

Marriage and relationships are a choice.

And they’re going to be ass if you think and behave as single people do (which is common among many men and young people, in general).

I don’t mean staying out all night, or being sexually unfaithful, or living separately.

What sets apart a single person from a person in a healthy relationship is the ability and willingness to not think for just one person—but both of you.

It’s about including the other person in your thoughts and decisions and activities.

And the especially difficult part is where you have to demonstrate love, care, respect, and support even when they say things or feel things that you don’t like or agree with.

She says: “It hurt me when you did that.”

He, of course, thinks that’s ridiculous and says so: “Good grief. Nothing about what I did hurt you. Get a grip. How could you think that or say that about me? Why is nothing I do ever good enough for you?”

Your partner must be able to trust that they can tell you something is wrong, and have you treat them with love and care even when you disagree with them or fail to understand how they came to the conclusion that they did.

This type of routine conflict is often what destroys couples and families over decades.

The absence of trust. The absence of successful conversation in which we articulate how much the other person matters to us, and how much we care about their experiences even when we’re a little confused about them.

Sharing a life with someone must include this work.

Or.

What if we DIDN’T share a life with someone?

We can literally do what we want, when we want, and there won’t be anyone to inconvenience us with their divergent experiences and thoughts and emotions.

Please pick one.

And if you decide the rich rewards of companionship and intimacy and sharing a life with someone else is in your best interest, I hope you’ll do the work to give that person and that relationship every opportunity to thrive.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF