I absolutely love Matthew’s posts! I cried the first time I listened to one of his podcasts. It was like finally someone gets what I’ve been trying to say to my husband. Hearing the story of how his wife left him after her Dad died is exactly what I did with my husband and almost the same amount of time had passed… like 18 months. Didn’t at the time know anything about Matthew’s posts. It’s good to see a good quality man stand up and say to these men, “hey there’s a huge issue here.” I even let my husband listen to the podcast and he had a blank stare. Nothing got through to him. I continued about 14 times going back over and over and over again. I know……The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results- Albert Einstein
25 years together and 3 kids. I’m now 44. My heart still breaks that someone could not care after so many years together. I’m not an angel, but I’m in therapy working on myself and admitting my wrongs. I do know that I’m gonna be one bada$$
I’ve been reading your stuff (❤️) for a couple of years now. You’ve been trying to get men to understand for a while now. Are you as frustrated as the other half of the population yet? Lol
The emotional, psychological, financial, domestic labor, sexual and physical abuse are control and power mechanisms to keep women serving at the whims of dudes and their pleasure. They benefit from it. I know you have changed some hearts and minds on the matter.
Serious question, do you have plans to write and call it what it is - abuse?
I’ve been doing this work for a little more than a decade. Men, unquestionably, demonstrate individual, me-first behavior (including me) way more often than their female counterparts.
It’s not BECAUSE they’re men. Many men are phenomenal relationship partners.
It’s math.
I’m sorry you find that upsetting or inconvenient. I, too, wish men demonstrated a higher standard of behavior in marriage and relationships. The world would be so much more beautiful.
Regardless of whatever length of time anyone is 'doing the work', your 1st paragraph is just pure conjecture. I've been in men's groups off/on for much longer than a decade, and I can unquestionably relay that precisely the opposite is the observation of many, many men/husbands/fathers: that women in relationships are hyperfocused on themselves, often to the detriment of the children both parents are trying to raise. To say nothing of their partners. I don't know what this math is your relying on, but I'd just say it certainly doesn't add up.
Almost all of my coaching clients are men. I run a weekly men’s group with dozens of members. And the majority of my best friends are men.
I think you’re talking about women who felt fed up with their relationship circumstances after many years of not feeling respected. So they change their circumstances.
That’s a very intentional choice many women make.
And I think the men you’re talking about, in many cases, aren’t TRYING to be selfish. I don’t think most men intentionally do selfish things.
I think they thoughtlessly do selfish things. In their blind spots. All of my work has always been about that.
Men hurt their partners not really understanding why. Their partners try to talk to them about it. It doesn’t go well.
The partners get sad and angry and eventually leave.
Whether we hurt people on purpose or by accident, if we don’t acknowledge and accept responsibility for the pain they experience, we will never have trust.
That’s where men tend to fall short in their marriages.
I don't think getting into marriage and relationship is much a matter of free choice. And I think this is even more true for the decision to remain single. I think it's more a matter of needs. What we need (as against what we want) doesn't respect any choice that denies it. If we choose to remain single when we have psychoemotional needs that can only be satisfied within the context of a relationship, we'll pay dearly for that choice.
Yes, I know choice is still involved but not in the simple sense of i choose to buy chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry. Some people are terrible at accepting and playing by the marriage or relationship contract yet refuse to opt out of it. Why? Choice, as most people understand it, only take into consideration conscious desires and motivations while leaving out much deeper and influential unconscious needs.
People who act almost purely according to their needs are more likely to make 'choices' that aligns with their long-term interest. But of course, because needs are messy and conflicting, choices are also consequently complicated.
When single life is described as “choosing yourself and doing whatever you want all the time” it doesn’t sound like the author genuinely believes that single life is a viable option. How many single people are there who don’t have any caregiving responsibilities, whether to parents, children, siblings or other relatives? And of the people who are single and don’t have significant caregiving responsibilities, how many of them have deep friendships, and how many play an important role in religious communities, and how many routinely do important work to enrich community life? Framing the choice as either “be selfish and single” or “be responsible/caring and partner up” presents a false dichotomy that I think significantly contributes to the problem of people partnering up when they shouldn’t.
I am fully supportive of people choosing a single life. Post-divorce, I remained single for many years.
Being single is not inherently selfish.
But some people behave selfishly.
I wish the people who wanted to do that would choose not to do so in a relationship. It tends to hurt everyone involved. And there’s an entire lifestyle where being that way has little to no impact on anyone else.
I didn’t take it that way. I felt like this is more along the lines of Lyz Lenz, aka. An American Ex-wife. Lyz writes about how being a single mother is such freedom, especially compared to when she was unseen in an abusive marriage.
This is a hell of a good point. Relationships can be tough and not everyone is willing or able to do the work and reflection required to make them successful. I've been a fan of your work for years btw. Good stuff!
I absolutely love Matthew’s posts! I cried the first time I listened to one of his podcasts. It was like finally someone gets what I’ve been trying to say to my husband. Hearing the story of how his wife left him after her Dad died is exactly what I did with my husband and almost the same amount of time had passed… like 18 months. Didn’t at the time know anything about Matthew’s posts. It’s good to see a good quality man stand up and say to these men, “hey there’s a huge issue here.” I even let my husband listen to the podcast and he had a blank stare. Nothing got through to him. I continued about 14 times going back over and over and over again. I know……The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results- Albert Einstein
25 years together and 3 kids. I’m now 44. My heart still breaks that someone could not care after so many years together. I’m not an angel, but I’m in therapy working on myself and admitting my wrongs. I do know that I’m gonna be one bada$$
Love to all y’all
I’ve been reading your stuff (❤️) for a couple of years now. You’ve been trying to get men to understand for a while now. Are you as frustrated as the other half of the population yet? Lol
The emotional, psychological, financial, domestic labor, sexual and physical abuse are control and power mechanisms to keep women serving at the whims of dudes and their pleasure. They benefit from it. I know you have changed some hearts and minds on the matter.
Serious question, do you have plans to write and call it what it is - abuse?
As usual, it's gotta be the men, right?
I’ve been doing this work for a little more than a decade. Men, unquestionably, demonstrate individual, me-first behavior (including me) way more often than their female counterparts.
It’s not BECAUSE they’re men. Many men are phenomenal relationship partners.
It’s math.
I’m sorry you find that upsetting or inconvenient. I, too, wish men demonstrated a higher standard of behavior in marriage and relationships. The world would be so much more beautiful.
Hence, why I do what I do.
Regardless of whatever length of time anyone is 'doing the work', your 1st paragraph is just pure conjecture. I've been in men's groups off/on for much longer than a decade, and I can unquestionably relay that precisely the opposite is the observation of many, many men/husbands/fathers: that women in relationships are hyperfocused on themselves, often to the detriment of the children both parents are trying to raise. To say nothing of their partners. I don't know what this math is your relying on, but I'd just say it certainly doesn't add up.
Maybe interact with more men...???
Almost all of my coaching clients are men. I run a weekly men’s group with dozens of members. And the majority of my best friends are men.
I think you’re talking about women who felt fed up with their relationship circumstances after many years of not feeling respected. So they change their circumstances.
That’s a very intentional choice many women make.
And I think the men you’re talking about, in many cases, aren’t TRYING to be selfish. I don’t think most men intentionally do selfish things.
I think they thoughtlessly do selfish things. In their blind spots. All of my work has always been about that.
Men hurt their partners not really understanding why. Their partners try to talk to them about it. It doesn’t go well.
The partners get sad and angry and eventually leave.
Whether we hurt people on purpose or by accident, if we don’t acknowledge and accept responsibility for the pain they experience, we will never have trust.
That’s where men tend to fall short in their marriages.
I don't think getting into marriage and relationship is much a matter of free choice. And I think this is even more true for the decision to remain single. I think it's more a matter of needs. What we need (as against what we want) doesn't respect any choice that denies it. If we choose to remain single when we have psychoemotional needs that can only be satisfied within the context of a relationship, we'll pay dearly for that choice.
Yes, I know choice is still involved but not in the simple sense of i choose to buy chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry. Some people are terrible at accepting and playing by the marriage or relationship contract yet refuse to opt out of it. Why? Choice, as most people understand it, only take into consideration conscious desires and motivations while leaving out much deeper and influential unconscious needs.
People who act almost purely according to their needs are more likely to make 'choices' that aligns with their long-term interest. But of course, because needs are messy and conflicting, choices are also consequently complicated.
When single life is described as “choosing yourself and doing whatever you want all the time” it doesn’t sound like the author genuinely believes that single life is a viable option. How many single people are there who don’t have any caregiving responsibilities, whether to parents, children, siblings or other relatives? And of the people who are single and don’t have significant caregiving responsibilities, how many of them have deep friendships, and how many play an important role in religious communities, and how many routinely do important work to enrich community life? Framing the choice as either “be selfish and single” or “be responsible/caring and partner up” presents a false dichotomy that I think significantly contributes to the problem of people partnering up when they shouldn’t.
I am fully supportive of people choosing a single life. Post-divorce, I remained single for many years.
Being single is not inherently selfish.
But some people behave selfishly.
I wish the people who wanted to do that would choose not to do so in a relationship. It tends to hurt everyone involved. And there’s an entire lifestyle where being that way has little to no impact on anyone else.
I didn’t take it that way. I felt like this is more along the lines of Lyz Lenz, aka. An American Ex-wife. Lyz writes about how being a single mother is such freedom, especially compared to when she was unseen in an abusive marriage.
This is a hell of a good point. Relationships can be tough and not everyone is willing or able to do the work and reflection required to make them successful. I've been a fan of your work for years btw. Good stuff!