When No One is Doing Anything Wrong
And yet, the relationship suffers
I heard a story this week about a man I know who went to a funeral because a close family member had died.
And because he went to this funeral, there was a negative impact on his long-time marriage.
She wasn’t feeling well. She expressed concerns about him leaving town for a few days for the funeral because she was feeling unwell.
He calculated that he should attend the out-of-town funeral and that his wife would be okay for a short time without him.
She didn’t insist that he stay home, but made it clear that she hoped he would.
In the end, he left to attend the funeral. And in the end, she experienced something akin to abandonment.
They’ve been married a long time. Several decades. So undoubtedly there’s some history here influencing how both of them were experiencing this situation.
Did Anyone Do Anything Wrong?
I wouldn’t say so.
We can have a debate about semantic—probably one for anyone with strong feelings about feeling abandonment by their spouse/partner in their relationship. I know there are a lot of you out there.
I hope you’ll give me some grace on the language. I don’t mean to imply that it’s “right” or even okay to abandon our spouse when they’re dealing with a life difficulty.
I simply mean that, on the surface, attending a close family member’s funeral doesn’t seem “bad” to me. And to be fair, it doesn’t seem bad to this man’s wife either. Had she not been feeling horrible, she’d have attended the funeral too.
Also, she didn’t WANT her husband to miss the funeral. She simply didn’t want to be left alone in such a precarious state of vulnerability as she experienced it.
He wasn’t “bad” for going to the funeral.
She wasn’t “bad” for implying she wished he would skip it.
No one did anything wrong or bad.
Fair Play author Eve Rodsky’s endorsement of my book This is How Your Marriage Ends:
"The home can be deceiving because it presents so small (like dishes being left by the sink) and Fray beautifully unpacks this. This funny and poignant memoir and how to evolves into a beautiful exposition on partnerships, love, and unpaid labor. Fray highlights the larger systemic issues at hand and offers a program for fairness out of the toxic man box and forges a path to a healthy way forward." — Eve Rodsky, bestselling author of “Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)”
This is How Your Marriage Ends is 40% off on Amazon, available in local bookstores, or you can order an author-signed copy here from my friends at Islandport Media.
Was the Marriage Affected Even Though No One Did Anything Wrong?
I would say yes.
She experienced abandonment. This was another situation—one among the thousands throughout their multiple decades together—where she probably felt as if her husband was choosing or prioritizing other things over her and their marriage.
And if one individual in a marriage/relationship often or consistently experiences being prioritized below other things, there’s going to be some inevitable pain and trust erosion, even if that doesn’t seem “fair” to you.
All he did was go to a funeral! He didn’t do anything wrong!
I think those are true statements.
She was left alone in a temporarily sickened state of vulnerability where she specifically expressed concern about her husband leaving town because of what might happen. She didn’t know who else to turn to in an emergency. She experienced her husband choosing to be somewhere else than where she was, no matter how justifiable that might seem to other people.
This is marriage. This is how all close relationships between any two people work.
With the best of intentions, with the biggest heart, and with all of the love we have to give, we can make choices that result in pain or generally negative outcomes for our relationship partners.
This usually when the person who has “done nothing wrong” chooses to defend themselves, and invalidates the living shit out of their spouse/partner. (Don’t do that, please. Read How to Not be Defensive with Your Relationship Partner.)
Healthy, trust-filled relationships involve honoring and accepting responsibility for these negative outcomes that our partners experience.
We don’t defend ourselves by feeling and saying I didn’t do anything wrong!
We apologize and demonstrate care by feeling and saying I’m so sorry that what I did resulted in that outcome for you.
Much of the time in your closest relationships, no one is doing anything “bad” or “wrong.”
But sometimes—maybe even often—“bad” things are being experienced by the people we care about.
The quality of your relationship, and the level of trust and security you experience within it, will depend on how you navigate these moments.
It’s not I’m sorry I did a bad thing!
It’s I’m sorry you can’t trust me to understand how situations like this affect you, and that it often feels like I’m prioritize my wants over your needs.
Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.
P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF
So agree with how this "no one did anything wrong" scenario is framed so that it is still valid for feelings of harm to happen anyway. Agree also with other posters who point out looking outside the nuclear family can be a solution. We often want our partner to *be* our solution, but what would it look like if we could count on our partner to *be our partner in figuring out* our solution? The partner could have taken an active role in brainstorming a care support solution -- and friend, a family member, a trip to the store to stock up on chicken noodle soup before leaving, if there are kids take them with to the funeral so she can recover in peace -- that would have addressed the root issue, which is making sure to prioritize providing and expressing care, so that the other person has a lens other than abandonment through which to view the situation.
This story illustrates to me the issues with the nuclear family and how we need to have wider support networks. Friends are so important and can alleviate some of the pressure on a relationship.
In my case, I have good friends who could/would check on me and help if needed.
Isolation does not help relationships flourish. But also, feelings aren’t facts. And our spouse is often the one we count on in a crisis.
As you say, both things can be true. Everything is more complex than we often see.