My personal experience has been that when I have been fully open and honest about a subject (whatever it is), what I have been told is that my thinking is off-center, I don't know what I'm talking about, or the way I said it was wrong (whether it was words, tone, or body language). It's never "why do you think or feel that way?" and have a deep discussion. So if a married woman feels like her husband is holding back from being brutally honest, maybe she should reflect on how her past interactions have been with her husband and see why he should have any reason to be so. Her feelings are not the only important thing in the relationship.
Completely fair take, in my estimation. Withholding truth isn’t great for relationships, but punishing someone courageous enough to share it? Probably worse.
I'm having a few issues with my marriage and I'm wondering if you've ever touched on these specific things in any of your articles and if so if you can point me to them.
I'm married to a man whom I've never seen get angry. I'm the one in the relationship with all the emotions. I often say I have enough emotions for the both of us. Because of this, I'm always seen as automatically in the wrong and the abusive one because my husband is never the one to bring up anything negative but I do. But I feel like I'm angry and act the way I do due to built up resentment from the way I feel emotionally neglected. I'm not the innocent victim in all of this but he thinks it's all me. I don't think I was always this angry but it's come from years of dealing with stuff from him.
Also, when I bring up something for the 1000th time that's bothering me he will say things like "I'm learning" "Be patient with me" "I'd never get mad at you like you get mad at me" and I don't know how many years you can claim to be "working on it" and be patient. It drives me crazy.
I can't even get him to watch your videos or read your book. I tell him it's important to me to at least watch your videos and he says he will but then tells me he's been busy with work and hasn't gotten to it and I tell him that's like literally the problem. I'm never a priority and I feel like I'm on the back burner to deal with when he's not busy with something.
If you're a woman who wants to talk all the time, please don't marry a man who finds domestic talks such a bore. If you're a man who detests sharing regular moments of heart-to-heart talk with your wife, please don't marry such a woman. The moment the pairing is mismatched in fundamentals, it's an uphill task rescuing the relationship.
While I share your general take that two people should have aligned values and be well suited for each other, I don’t love the implication that one person wanting to talk and the other not wanting to talk somehow makes a bad match.
Unless you’re super-into sign language, writing each other letters, or psychic transference, I know no other way for two people to transmit information from one to the other.
And if that information is the equivalent of “Hey! This thing you’re doing hurts a little. Please find a different way,” then the other person (man or woman) opting out of the conversation because they find domestic talks a “bore” is going to be reason there’s no trust and high conflict in the relationship.
You can’t just not communicate and then blame relational problems on someone because you don’t like what they have to say.
Those people should definitely stay single. A perfectly valid choice.
Seems like you're talking about a situation where two people are already in a relationship or married, while I'm talking about the stage where things are still building and nothing is decided yet.
People like you who have managed to achieve some degree of self-transformation in one or more area of their lives tend to be overly optimistic about the capacity of others to achieve the same. While you're right that communication is key (in the context of a relationship), some people are just terrible at it and no amount of coaching will change that. Most times, a lot of unnecessary problems are avoidable if people know what to look out for before agreeing to prosecute the relationship in the first place. There's no harm in deciding to opt against having a relationship with someone when you already see that they find it annoying communicating their feelings, rather than hoping to do the work post-commitment.
I appreciate both the feedback and the distinction between long-term committed partnership like marriage, and the getting-to-know-you phase. Not that my agreement is relevant, but I totally agree.
I do think about these things from the viewpoint of being in the middle of committed partnership, and I'd probably do well to be more mindful and communicative about that.
I'll think about what you said regarding me being more optimistic than is practical or realistic. If that's a blind spot that I have in my work, I want to be mindful of it. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts here. I'm sorry it took so long to acknowledge your comment.
I used to think my wife didn't want me to play music. She knew I did, because I prioritized it over her many times. As it turns out, she just wanted me to tell her, and consider her when I made plans to play. She actually likes me to play music! Weird.
You think women generally withhold their honest thoughts and feelings from their partners more often than men do? You think men seek connecting, emotionally revealing conversation more often then the women they're dating or married to?
I mean. I'm sure it happens some of the time. But I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on that being the statistical majority. I don't think it's close.
Fair enough, if that's your experience. I don't presume to know. I'm against passive-aggressiveness across the board. And I'm for honest conversation, even when it's a little uncomfortable.
My husband is 110% conflict avoidant, until he explodes. Normally, if I do something that bothers him, he will not tell me and internalize it, even though I have asked him numerous times to talk to me so I can change by behavior if need be.
At one point in day two or three of an argument [he stonewalls], he said to me "I forgive you."
What has he forgiven me for? The things that I constantly do that make him angry that he never tells me about, so I never know. Specifically? I have no idea.
He's in therapy. He thinks it's helping. I'm not sure.
I’m sure it’s immensely frustrating to feel as if you’re not given the information you need to honor the emotional experiences someone has, and then feel punished for not knowing even though you’ve been trying all of this time.
I've told him I want him to tell me when something upsets him, but he won't. His plan is to hold everything inside, and then just "let it go." I never knew he was like this, so it's really difficult to cope.
My personal experience has been that when I have been fully open and honest about a subject (whatever it is), what I have been told is that my thinking is off-center, I don't know what I'm talking about, or the way I said it was wrong (whether it was words, tone, or body language). It's never "why do you think or feel that way?" and have a deep discussion. So if a married woman feels like her husband is holding back from being brutally honest, maybe she should reflect on how her past interactions have been with her husband and see why he should have any reason to be so. Her feelings are not the only important thing in the relationship.
Completely fair take, in my estimation. Withholding truth isn’t great for relationships, but punishing someone courageous enough to share it? Probably worse.
Another great article from you, Matt.
I'm having a few issues with my marriage and I'm wondering if you've ever touched on these specific things in any of your articles and if so if you can point me to them.
I'm married to a man whom I've never seen get angry. I'm the one in the relationship with all the emotions. I often say I have enough emotions for the both of us. Because of this, I'm always seen as automatically in the wrong and the abusive one because my husband is never the one to bring up anything negative but I do. But I feel like I'm angry and act the way I do due to built up resentment from the way I feel emotionally neglected. I'm not the innocent victim in all of this but he thinks it's all me. I don't think I was always this angry but it's come from years of dealing with stuff from him.
Also, when I bring up something for the 1000th time that's bothering me he will say things like "I'm learning" "Be patient with me" "I'd never get mad at you like you get mad at me" and I don't know how many years you can claim to be "working on it" and be patient. It drives me crazy.
I can't even get him to watch your videos or read your book. I tell him it's important to me to at least watch your videos and he says he will but then tells me he's been busy with work and hasn't gotten to it and I tell him that's like literally the problem. I'm never a priority and I feel like I'm on the back burner to deal with when he's not busy with something.
If you're a woman who wants to talk all the time, please don't marry a man who finds domestic talks such a bore. If you're a man who detests sharing regular moments of heart-to-heart talk with your wife, please don't marry such a woman. The moment the pairing is mismatched in fundamentals, it's an uphill task rescuing the relationship.
While I share your general take that two people should have aligned values and be well suited for each other, I don’t love the implication that one person wanting to talk and the other not wanting to talk somehow makes a bad match.
Unless you’re super-into sign language, writing each other letters, or psychic transference, I know no other way for two people to transmit information from one to the other.
And if that information is the equivalent of “Hey! This thing you’re doing hurts a little. Please find a different way,” then the other person (man or woman) opting out of the conversation because they find domestic talks a “bore” is going to be reason there’s no trust and high conflict in the relationship.
You can’t just not communicate and then blame relational problems on someone because you don’t like what they have to say.
Those people should definitely stay single. A perfectly valid choice.
Seems like you're talking about a situation where two people are already in a relationship or married, while I'm talking about the stage where things are still building and nothing is decided yet.
People like you who have managed to achieve some degree of self-transformation in one or more area of their lives tend to be overly optimistic about the capacity of others to achieve the same. While you're right that communication is key (in the context of a relationship), some people are just terrible at it and no amount of coaching will change that. Most times, a lot of unnecessary problems are avoidable if people know what to look out for before agreeing to prosecute the relationship in the first place. There's no harm in deciding to opt against having a relationship with someone when you already see that they find it annoying communicating their feelings, rather than hoping to do the work post-commitment.
I appreciate both the feedback and the distinction between long-term committed partnership like marriage, and the getting-to-know-you phase. Not that my agreement is relevant, but I totally agree.
I do think about these things from the viewpoint of being in the middle of committed partnership, and I'd probably do well to be more mindful and communicative about that.
I'll think about what you said regarding me being more optimistic than is practical or realistic. If that's a blind spot that I have in my work, I want to be mindful of it. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts here. I'm sorry it took so long to acknowledge your comment.
Oh, nothing to be sorry about. I do appreciate your response.
Beautifully demonstrated by the trope of the woman saying “we need to talk” and the man running a mile.
I used to think my wife didn't want me to play music. She knew I did, because I prioritized it over her many times. As it turns out, she just wanted me to tell her, and consider her when I made plans to play. She actually likes me to play music! Weird.
I'm betting this is a thing women do in relationships much more than other way around.
You think women generally withhold their honest thoughts and feelings from their partners more often than men do? You think men seek connecting, emotionally revealing conversation more often then the women they're dating or married to?
I mean. I'm sure it happens some of the time. But I'm going to have to respectfully disagree on that being the statistical majority. I don't think it's close.
Those 2 questions are vastly different.
I do think women, as a cohort, are significantly more passive aggressive in relationships. Def. For myriad reasons.
2nd question I dunno...depends on the ppl involved I suppose.
Fair enough, if that's your experience. I don't presume to know. I'm against passive-aggressiveness across the board. And I'm for honest conversation, even when it's a little uncomfortable.
My husband is 110% conflict avoidant, until he explodes. Normally, if I do something that bothers him, he will not tell me and internalize it, even though I have asked him numerous times to talk to me so I can change by behavior if need be.
At one point in day two or three of an argument [he stonewalls], he said to me "I forgive you."
What has he forgiven me for? The things that I constantly do that make him angry that he never tells me about, so I never know. Specifically? I have no idea.
He's in therapy. He thinks it's helping. I'm not sure.
I’m sure it’s immensely frustrating to feel as if you’re not given the information you need to honor the emotional experiences someone has, and then feel punished for not knowing even though you’ve been trying all of this time.
Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.
I've told him I want him to tell me when something upsets him, but he won't. His plan is to hold everything inside, and then just "let it go." I never knew he was like this, so it's really difficult to cope.