'I just feel really alone and you seem to know what I'm going through'

Young woman, 21, seeks advice on connecting with her boyfriend, 26, who shuts down or 'abandons' her whenever she's emotional

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V writes:

I discovered you through your article "I Typically Ran Away From Fights with My Wife." I'm writing to you because I'm really worried about my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm 21 and he's 26. We've been together for almost 2 months (not very long, I know) and whenever I try and talk to him about something that's hurt me, he shuts down or will physically turn away from me and sigh. It really hurts me and makes me feel alone when he does this. I've tried explaining it to him and telling him that I don't like when he does it, but he will do it even in those conversations. I'm stuck in a hard place right now where I love him and want to be understanding about his position, but I'm also carrying a lot of emotional weight and it's really difficult. I don't know how to approach this without triggering this response from him.

I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt without completely excusing this. I really care for this person and he's a great partner in other aspects, I just feel like I can't be emotional with him without him running from me. I want to understand and to be closer, but this is slowly wearing me down. It's starting to get to a point where I don't even want to tell him how I'm feeling. He always asks if I'm ok or "Why I'm not happy" but when it actually gets into that, he turns away from me. I'm trying so hard to be patient, to be understanding and to love him through this. I just feel really alone, and you seem to know what I'm going through somewhat... Any advice would be extremely appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read and consider this.

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Raise your hand if you just read this and can identify with one of the two people in V’s story.

*raises hand*

I don’t know if my college girlfriend 25 years ago (who would later become my wife and son’s mother and eventual ex-wife) could identify and articulate this experience like V just did, but if she could have, it would have read just like this story.

I didn’t have the five-year age gap (we were only three months apart), but the behavior patterns are the same.

My girlfriend would occasionally see or experience something with me that she didn’t like or which resulted in some type of negative or painful outcome for her.

V, I can’t remember myself 25 years ago with the level of precision I would like in order to respond to this, but I’m confident saying that my motivations were a combination of misplaced self-preservation (wanting to maintain some independence—I was an only child growing up, and I didn’t respond well initially to morphing into someone who needed to be considerate of someone else in the many ways we must in order to have healthy relationships), and an honest perplexity as to how she could feel so upset about something that seemed so unserious and unimportant to me.

I don’t mean to suggest that your feelings are unimportant.

I DO mean to suggest that the various incidents that trigger those feelings for you probably seem really minor to your boyfriend.

Here’s how the thinking goes: Cancer is a really big deal. Car accidents, death, and maybe even a sick aunt or final exams are a big deal. But THIS? Me not responding to your text fast enough because I was in the middle of work, or me making plans to go out with friends and not discussing those plans with you first like I have to ask you for permission? Sorry. NOT important, and I’m not going to start acting like it is.

I hope that’s not too close to the truth in your life, because I can appreciate how much all of that hurts today in a way I could not while my girlfriend was crying on the couch, and I was standing there giving her the biggest WTF?! look imaginable.

You’ll need someone smarter than me to diagnose your boyfriend. There are a variety of reasons he’s conflict-avoidant and noticeably uncomfortable any time you show vulnerability and emotion.

This, to me, is the only useful way to think about it…

There is No Such Thing as a Good, Healthy or Happy Relationship With Someone Who Thinks They Get to Decide What is Allowed to Matter to You

I thought I got to decide. I don’t remember consciously believing that, but the proof was in the pudding. Anytime my girlfriend/wife would share her thoughts and feelings with me, I only responded with respect, love, and care if her thoughts and feelings passed whatever internal litmus test I had for This matters! vs. This stupid thing doesn’t matter!

You and I don’t know each other, V. My gut reaction might ALSO be to not treat what you’re saying or demonstrating as important to you with as much care as you require. Meaning, I may, on a case-by-case basis, “agree” with your boyfriend. I might think and feel exactly as he does about whatever you two are not seeing eye to eye about.

But the difference between healthy relationships that can last a lifetime, and relationships I would encourage you to exit (if the behavior persists for many more weeks, months, or God forbid, years) is a demonstration from your partner that they understand that they don’t get to decide what is important to you.

What is important to you is important to you. Those are your values. Some of them will likely change or evolve as you make your way through life, but what is unlikely to change is that you are probably going to experience feelings of abandonment when the people you love and are supposed to be able to trust the most dishonor and dismiss your personal values and significant emotional experiences.

Your boyfriend isn’t obligated to agree with you. He’s not obligated to do exactly what you want him to do, necessarily. But if he wants to share a life with you, he damn well better speak and act in a way which communicates: You can always trust me to treat with care and importance those things that matter most to you. I may fall short sometimes because I don’t recognize or realize how you feel, but you’ll always be able to count on me to seek to understand, and then act accordingly.

That is the only way to achieve trust and security in relationships.

This is a VERY DIFFICULT idea for many people. And it’s nuanced and chock full of gray areas, which can make it challenging to discuss.

But please, please, please, love and respect yourself enough to honor what is important to you.

Then, please love and respect yourself enough to demand that someone who wants to share a life with you must ALSO demonstrate care and respect around the things that matter to you (as I hope you will do for him).

He doesn’t have to think and feel identical to you in order to have trust in your relationship. But you do need to be able to count on him to act in your interest—an idea I failed to recognize and understand when I was with my ex-wife.

That means, when things hurt you, they are not fucking okay. It’s not okay for you to hurt on account of things he’s able to influence. If there’s some subtle adjustment he can make behaviorally that will eliminate or reduce pain you feel? Shouldn’t you be able to trust him to do that? Doesn’t he profess to be someone who would never want you to hurt, or who would never deliberately hurt you?

Of course he is. And I believe him that his intentions are good.

But you’ll find people’s intentions and the results of their actions don’t always line up nicely.

You have to be able to trust him to act in your best interest, and demonstrate love, care, and respect, even when it’s inconvenient or confusing to him.

This is where the difficult relational work comes into play, and there isn’t a hell of a lot YOU can do about this.

It’s a choice he must make.

He may decide as I did (even if he’s not thinking about it, or seeing the entire picture accurately): I care more about my own thoughts and my own feelings than I do V’s. She says and claims to feel things that don’t make sense to me. And when she does that, it makes me feel bad, or angry, or confused. And when that happens, I simply care more about me than I do her. I choose me over us.

But in order for you two to have a healthy, beautiful, mutually respectful relationship, it’s going to have to go a different way, and it’s going to require some humble soul-searching, self-awareness work, and a real commitment to eliminating behavior you experience as painful, even if he currently believes you’re overreacting or too sensitive.

That relational work is two-fold:

1. V can trust me to think about, pay attention to, and seek to understand what I do and don’t do which results in pain for her. It makes sense that she wouldn’t feel safe or want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who consistently does things that hurt her. I will consider her when I make decisions, and seek to better understand her rather than judge her as wrong whenever I’m confused about why she’s feeling some way that I do not.

That’s mindful consideration, and it’s critical to relational security and trust.

2. Because I’m not like V, and I have my own individual thoughts and feelings about things, I need to be more careful when we discuss things. If I’m not careful, V’s going to experience it as I only demonstrate love, care, and respect when she agrees with me. But if she doesn’t? If she dares have thoughts and emotional experiences different than what I experience? Well, I’m just going to say words that indicate I will continue to choose everything I want, think, and feel over everything she wants, thinks, and feels. If I’m not mindful about avoiding invalidating language, I will always inadvertently communicate that I think I’m more important than she is, and will predictably behave as such.

And there’s just no way to avoid toxic, dysfunctional relationships from forming if that’s the dynamic two partners (or any two people) have.

It’s easy to love people, and sometimes we believe that intense feelings of love will be enough to overcome these nuanced dysfunctional patterns in our relationships.

I’ve come to believe that’s not true.

So many of us try to optimize for love in our romantic relationships.

But I believe we should try to optimize for TRUST. Trust is what allows us to coexist with a partner for the rest of our lives.

Tragically, love is not enough.

And the foundations of relational trust are:

I consider you when I make decisions, and you can trust me to always do that.

And.

When I fall short of that ideal, you can always trust that when you tell me about it (because I would never fail to consider you intentionally) that I will respond in ways that demonstrate care and a desire to understand, rather than hold up all of my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, as superior to, or more important than yours.

I hope you can break through to him, V. It’s the only way you won’t always feel alone in situations like this. It makes sense to feel alone when others consistently choose themselves over you, even when they’re not realizing that that’s how you’re experiencing it.

I hope he’ll consider seeking helpful advice if he WANTS to be with you, but just can’t seem to figure out how to do so with trust and connection.

But if he refuses? If he, over and over and over and over and over again, demonstrates that he cares more about himself than he does you? Even if he’s a great guy with a big heart?

You’re worth more than that. And only you will have the power to choose a better way forward.

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Matthew Fray is the author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships”, a relationship coach, and formerly the blogger at Must Be This Tall To Ride.

P.S. - I know these things can present really small to some of you in your busy lives and marriages/partnerships. But that’s exactly why developing mindfulness and communication habits around these domestic scenarios is so critical to maintaining peaceful, loving relationships. If you have trust erosion, and/or pain points and frustrations around things like this at home, consider working with me as your relationship coach to develop these skills and habits. This stuff matters. Book your next appointment here. - MF