There are lots of women that go bananas the first time (and additional times) that the man tells them "no". I had that happen when this woman I was dating told me she wanted to go to this outdoor art festival, in 100 degree heat, made hotter with wall-to-wall people, impossible parking, etc. I had to tell her, sorry, I can't do that. She yelled at me over the phone. That's how it goes sometimes.
Lovely writing Matt and all very true and compassionate what you say. All that’s missing is the Attachment Styles framework that can make sense of all of this behaviour. This boyfriend sounds Dismissive Avoidant. If so, the girlfriend is probably Anxiously Attached.
Matt, your mentioning of being an only child brings something up here that is not getting considered much. I was somewhat an only child as well - my parents divorced when I was two, my father went on to have two more kids with my stepmother when I was 6 and almost 10 (I never lived with them, just stayed over sometimes, so they felt more like cousins and we have no contact as adults), and my mother had her only other child as a single mother when I was 12 (he felt more like a nephew). Due to the nature of my childhood with a stretched thin mother, I HAD to be considerate of the needs of the "woman of the house" in order to survive - part "parentification" but also in a lot of ways apprenticeship to adulthood. My brothers (one who grew up in a two parent home, the other to whom I essentially WAS the other parent for the first 6 years of his life until I moved out during college) did not have to consider others the way I did, and they failed to develop conscientiousness as a result. As a BoyMom to emerging adult sons in a three generation household (my in-laws moved in with us since my eldest was 2), I am seeing a similar lack of conscientiousness develop in my sons, who are habituated to my MIL (and to some extent me) doing that labor for the whole household without their noticing it. Through your work, my nudging, and observing how the patriarchal patterns are repeating in our sons in ways that GenZ women are NOT going to tolerate, my husband has been making significant shifts lately and things are improving. Another author's new book seems to have been a real tipping point in our family - Tasha Eurich's "Shatterproof," which I gave my husband on the anniversary of our first kiss last month. That book introduced us to the concept of "resilience ceilings" and clarified how sometimes our problematic behaviors are not because we are fundamentally toxic people unworthy of connection but are coming from cracking our resilience ceilings - and the healthy response is to take time to tend those cracks (with compassionate help if available) instead of pushing on until we shatter entirely.
Perhaps V's boyfriend is hitting his resilience ceiling some area of life. Perhaps his upbringing instilled some bad habits and unhealthy expectations of interpersonal relationships in him, or he was emotionally neglected to the point he doesn't understand the dynamics going on here (that is part of the complexity in my marriage - my in-laws are EXTREMELY emotionally distant people, there is no physical affection expressed to anyone past toddlerhood, so my husband in turns craves it and is overwhelmed by it like a typical Avoidant Attachment Style). Maybe this kind of insight will help alter the course for them with some compassion.
Have they considered having a calm conversation with him about how his reactions affect themselves without trying to discuss the specific issue that's hurting them? They could say something like, "Hey, I want to talk to you about our conversations. When I try to share my feelings with you, and you shut down or turn away, it makes me feel unheard and hurt. Can we find a better way to communicate about sensitive topics?"
It's also important to consider whether this pattern might be a red flag for deeper communication issues in your relationship. Have you talked to him about what you want and need from your conversations, and listened to his perspective as well?
You explain these dynamics so well. Each time I read what you write, I understand it a little bit better again. Thank you 🙏
Thank you so much, Giselle. Grateful that you co-sign with this. I hope you’re very well. Really good to hear from you.
If I had a girlfriend who was just like V’s boyfriend, I would’ve kicked him to the curb. You have to get rid of cancer.
There are lots of women that go bananas the first time (and additional times) that the man tells them "no". I had that happen when this woman I was dating told me she wanted to go to this outdoor art festival, in 100 degree heat, made hotter with wall-to-wall people, impossible parking, etc. I had to tell her, sorry, I can't do that. She yelled at me over the phone. That's how it goes sometimes.
Lovely writing Matt and all very true and compassionate what you say. All that’s missing is the Attachment Styles framework that can make sense of all of this behaviour. This boyfriend sounds Dismissive Avoidant. If so, the girlfriend is probably Anxiously Attached.
Matt, your mentioning of being an only child brings something up here that is not getting considered much. I was somewhat an only child as well - my parents divorced when I was two, my father went on to have two more kids with my stepmother when I was 6 and almost 10 (I never lived with them, just stayed over sometimes, so they felt more like cousins and we have no contact as adults), and my mother had her only other child as a single mother when I was 12 (he felt more like a nephew). Due to the nature of my childhood with a stretched thin mother, I HAD to be considerate of the needs of the "woman of the house" in order to survive - part "parentification" but also in a lot of ways apprenticeship to adulthood. My brothers (one who grew up in a two parent home, the other to whom I essentially WAS the other parent for the first 6 years of his life until I moved out during college) did not have to consider others the way I did, and they failed to develop conscientiousness as a result. As a BoyMom to emerging adult sons in a three generation household (my in-laws moved in with us since my eldest was 2), I am seeing a similar lack of conscientiousness develop in my sons, who are habituated to my MIL (and to some extent me) doing that labor for the whole household without their noticing it. Through your work, my nudging, and observing how the patriarchal patterns are repeating in our sons in ways that GenZ women are NOT going to tolerate, my husband has been making significant shifts lately and things are improving. Another author's new book seems to have been a real tipping point in our family - Tasha Eurich's "Shatterproof," which I gave my husband on the anniversary of our first kiss last month. That book introduced us to the concept of "resilience ceilings" and clarified how sometimes our problematic behaviors are not because we are fundamentally toxic people unworthy of connection but are coming from cracking our resilience ceilings - and the healthy response is to take time to tend those cracks (with compassionate help if available) instead of pushing on until we shatter entirely.
Perhaps V's boyfriend is hitting his resilience ceiling some area of life. Perhaps his upbringing instilled some bad habits and unhealthy expectations of interpersonal relationships in him, or he was emotionally neglected to the point he doesn't understand the dynamics going on here (that is part of the complexity in my marriage - my in-laws are EXTREMELY emotionally distant people, there is no physical affection expressed to anyone past toddlerhood, so my husband in turns craves it and is overwhelmed by it like a typical Avoidant Attachment Style). Maybe this kind of insight will help alter the course for them with some compassion.
It sounds like you're feeling really hurt
Have they considered having a calm conversation with him about how his reactions affect themselves without trying to discuss the specific issue that's hurting them? They could say something like, "Hey, I want to talk to you about our conversations. When I try to share my feelings with you, and you shut down or turn away, it makes me feel unheard and hurt. Can we find a better way to communicate about sensitive topics?"
It's also important to consider whether this pattern might be a red flag for deeper communication issues in your relationship. Have you talked to him about what you want and need from your conversations, and listened to his perspective as well?