Conflict-avoidant tendencies like mine (and those shared by millions of others) often lead to a relationship pattern almost certain to end marriage or a long-term partnership.
Ran out of trust. Ran out of runway. Same patterns repeating & worsening for 6 years. There’s just a point where even if my husband did suddenly figure this out, and he won’t, it’s just too late. We actually read your book together and his takeaway was “I hate that guy.” I thought, Matthew’s a guy who puts it so plainly, so simply, that my husband will certainly understand and change. Nope. And I’m out of trust. Out of time. Out of runway. I’d have done anything to stay married to him, I did do everything, and I’m out. Out. I love him, I actually feel bad for him, but I’m out. Enough. Thank you for your work.
I appreciate how you spotlight the everyday occurrences that represent the root of it all: most of us don't learn what healthy relationship skills are before going into marriage or relationships. Thank you for opening the dialogue through your personal examples, insights and reflections.
Wow. Wow. Wow. I’m in a same sex marriage with another woman and you have described me to a T here. This has been on my mind for awhile and I know I have to change but I feel so lost and don’t know how to change 😥 I need some real help!!
As I read this and your most current book; "This Is How Your Marriage Ends" [Free plug!], I am left waiting for the solution. . . How exactly do we "speak and act in a manner designed to relieve the pain for someone else?"
I'm certain that the answer is in there somewhere, encrypted in the constant description your persistent 'assory', however I must be very dense or ineptly blocked from learning what it is. Unable to read between the lines, as it were.
I to have the insane ability to remain standing there, emotionless, wide eyed and disconnected as my wife screams at me. All I am hearing are sounds similar to Charlie Brown's teacher, only in decibels that would put most freight train's horn to shame. I will occasionally wipe my brow to hide a quick eye roll or scratch my upper lip to hide me mouthing "WTF-OVER?!!"
I'm in deep, , , Way over my head Matt. I am not even sure 'it' can be saved. We are already at the point where she's made plans to leave as soon as the kids are 'old enough.' However, here I am, reading the books, the blogs, listening to the podcasts and watching every video, hoping to find the remedy for what is apparently my disease!
Another fantastic and informative newsletter! It hit really close to home for me. It validated my feelings and made me feel not so alone in them. My wife probably feels fight or flight when I bring an issue to her, but this newsletter helped me to understand that I also go through fight or flight too when I think of having a discussion with her over a hurt. My anxiety goes through the roof until I’m on the verge of a panic attack. My wife in an Invalidation Tripple Threat-er. Just this week I’ve been told I take things too personally over something she said, been told my memory of the event the prior night was wrong, and told twice she was ending the discussion (not literally walking out of the room though). The worst is #3 defensiveness. Not only is she immediately defensive, but she also raises her voice, is quick to anger, is verbally aggressive, and dominates the conversation and won’t allow me to speak or share my thoughts and feelings. Any advice, Matt?
I Typically Ran Away From Fights with My Wife
Ran out of trust. Ran out of runway. Same patterns repeating & worsening for 6 years. There’s just a point where even if my husband did suddenly figure this out, and he won’t, it’s just too late. We actually read your book together and his takeaway was “I hate that guy.” I thought, Matthew’s a guy who puts it so plainly, so simply, that my husband will certainly understand and change. Nope. And I’m out of trust. Out of time. Out of runway. I’d have done anything to stay married to him, I did do everything, and I’m out. Out. I love him, I actually feel bad for him, but I’m out. Enough. Thank you for your work.
I appreciate how you spotlight the everyday occurrences that represent the root of it all: most of us don't learn what healthy relationship skills are before going into marriage or relationships. Thank you for opening the dialogue through your personal examples, insights and reflections.
Wow. Wow. Wow. I’m in a same sex marriage with another woman and you have described me to a T here. This has been on my mind for awhile and I know I have to change but I feel so lost and don’t know how to change 😥 I need some real help!!
As I read this and your most current book; "This Is How Your Marriage Ends" [Free plug!], I am left waiting for the solution. . . How exactly do we "speak and act in a manner designed to relieve the pain for someone else?"
I'm certain that the answer is in there somewhere, encrypted in the constant description your persistent 'assory', however I must be very dense or ineptly blocked from learning what it is. Unable to read between the lines, as it were.
I to have the insane ability to remain standing there, emotionless, wide eyed and disconnected as my wife screams at me. All I am hearing are sounds similar to Charlie Brown's teacher, only in decibels that would put most freight train's horn to shame. I will occasionally wipe my brow to hide a quick eye roll or scratch my upper lip to hide me mouthing "WTF-OVER?!!"
I'm in deep, , , Way over my head Matt. I am not even sure 'it' can be saved. We are already at the point where she's made plans to leave as soon as the kids are 'old enough.' However, here I am, reading the books, the blogs, listening to the podcasts and watching every video, hoping to find the remedy for what is apparently my disease!
Give me something, , ,anything.
Another fantastic and informative newsletter! It hit really close to home for me. It validated my feelings and made me feel not so alone in them. My wife probably feels fight or flight when I bring an issue to her, but this newsletter helped me to understand that I also go through fight or flight too when I think of having a discussion with her over a hurt. My anxiety goes through the roof until I’m on the verge of a panic attack. My wife in an Invalidation Tripple Threat-er. Just this week I’ve been told I take things too personally over something she said, been told my memory of the event the prior night was wrong, and told twice she was ending the discussion (not literally walking out of the room though). The worst is #3 defensiveness. Not only is she immediately defensive, but she also raises her voice, is quick to anger, is verbally aggressive, and dominates the conversation and won’t allow me to speak or share my thoughts and feelings. Any advice, Matt?