As always Matthew, great read! From personal experience, I will always say our personalities have their place in our relationships, right, wrong or indifferent. I'll set the stage in my case: quiet non-confrontational door mat people pleaser (me) marries a covert narcissist (hubby). Early in our relationship, I would overlook his treatment of me because of...well...love. But after awhile, I couldn't understand why we fought so much or why he would give me the silent treatment for days. I would (calmly) try to talk to him about my concerns with our marriage. His reaction - or lack thereof - would throw this non-confrontational female into a raging maniac. I found my voice and stood up for myself. But in a way, I lost myself as well. I didn't want to be a raging maniac - I just wanted him to hear me (oh, and I said some pretty terrible things at times). In his mind, I was the "typical" raging asshole wife; in my mind, I was tired of his narcissistic bullshit. PERSONALITY and PERSPECTIVE: the PPs of relationships that will get in the way of building trust every time.
It seems that so often, some of the Christian community is quick to attack feminism. They claim to subscribe to equality while espousing ideas that are contrary. Patriarchal harm is condoned and promoted.
Flying Free is a Christian podcast about the harms suffered by women in such circumstances. I challenge anyone who doubts the existence and prevalence of this dynamic to listen to it.
Ps. Matt- amazing article. Thank you for your work.
I think that you're writing off the SAHMs a little too easily. I am one. I was in a PhD program for molecular biology. It didn't pan out but a lot of people switch careers or have different seasons of life. When we were starting our family we realized it made sense rather than for most of my salary to go to child care and then still have all the household duties, for me to stay home with the kids. It means he doesn't worry about the household stuff, a sick kid, making sure they have all their stuff, meals, homework, appointments, meeting workers for repairs or projects etc. It gives us BOTH more quality parenting time. It's a luxury, I know.
There are plenty of other issues and ways to neglect each other but it's not so much from friction over labor division.
I think you also sell short your Catholic and other religious with the idea of submission. It's supposed to be a mutual submission, with some hierarchy of order. it can get a bit interesting when the theologians go at it (Im a poorly catechised Catholic returning), where God has headship over man because he created him and then man has authority over women because she was created from him. But then Mary birthed Jesus (God) and so it's more of a circular creation. Plus woman was created from the rib/side of man and not his head to rule over him nor from his feet to be below him but his side to be equal.
The authority is well described by this example (IMO):
A couple is couch shopping. She likes the blue one. He likes the brown one. The couches are in all other ways equal. She should let him choose. He should choose the blue one.
Catholic marriage is also supposed to mirror the relationship between Christ and the Church. She accepts him as her head and he is to die in sacrifice for her. And that is the origin behind priests being only male, as they are to minister in persona Christi.
I swear I'm not jamming my fingers rage typing in a pro-Jesus rant there: I just find it all interesting. I have my own struggles with Catholicism. And obviously my own marriage struggles.
A couple of thoughts... Modern feminism is a distorted version of what feminism was (purportedly) in the beginning. It has become about the conquering of men, not about equality. Like some other movements I won't mention, we seem to have moved past equality and now we are leaning towards cruelty and dominance. So in this case, I disagree with you. I was actually watching a great video on what feminism has become, I'd love to share it with you. Submission as a wife does not mean slavery. Please don't think being in a traditional marriage to a man and having kids amounts to sacrificing everything good in life, or becoming a "breeding factory" (yikes). If we are going to discuss the biblical design for marriage, it should be mentioned that the man is supposed to lead and protect his wife and family, and to love her more than himself, to give up his life for hers. He is commanded to sacrifice. If he is doing that, the rest falls into place.
As always Matthew, great read! From personal experience, I will always say our personalities have their place in our relationships, right, wrong or indifferent. I'll set the stage in my case: quiet non-confrontational door mat people pleaser (me) marries a covert narcissist (hubby). Early in our relationship, I would overlook his treatment of me because of...well...love. But after awhile, I couldn't understand why we fought so much or why he would give me the silent treatment for days. I would (calmly) try to talk to him about my concerns with our marriage. His reaction - or lack thereof - would throw this non-confrontational female into a raging maniac. I found my voice and stood up for myself. But in a way, I lost myself as well. I didn't want to be a raging maniac - I just wanted him to hear me (oh, and I said some pretty terrible things at times). In his mind, I was the "typical" raging asshole wife; in my mind, I was tired of his narcissistic bullshit. PERSONALITY and PERSPECTIVE: the PPs of relationships that will get in the way of building trust every time.
It seems that so often, some of the Christian community is quick to attack feminism. They claim to subscribe to equality while espousing ideas that are contrary. Patriarchal harm is condoned and promoted.
Flying Free is a Christian podcast about the harms suffered by women in such circumstances. I challenge anyone who doubts the existence and prevalence of this dynamic to listen to it.
Ps. Matt- amazing article. Thank you for your work.
I think that you're writing off the SAHMs a little too easily. I am one. I was in a PhD program for molecular biology. It didn't pan out but a lot of people switch careers or have different seasons of life. When we were starting our family we realized it made sense rather than for most of my salary to go to child care and then still have all the household duties, for me to stay home with the kids. It means he doesn't worry about the household stuff, a sick kid, making sure they have all their stuff, meals, homework, appointments, meeting workers for repairs or projects etc. It gives us BOTH more quality parenting time. It's a luxury, I know.
There are plenty of other issues and ways to neglect each other but it's not so much from friction over labor division.
I think you also sell short your Catholic and other religious with the idea of submission. It's supposed to be a mutual submission, with some hierarchy of order. it can get a bit interesting when the theologians go at it (Im a poorly catechised Catholic returning), where God has headship over man because he created him and then man has authority over women because she was created from him. But then Mary birthed Jesus (God) and so it's more of a circular creation. Plus woman was created from the rib/side of man and not his head to rule over him nor from his feet to be below him but his side to be equal.
The authority is well described by this example (IMO):
A couple is couch shopping. She likes the blue one. He likes the brown one. The couches are in all other ways equal. She should let him choose. He should choose the blue one.
Catholic marriage is also supposed to mirror the relationship between Christ and the Church. She accepts him as her head and he is to die in sacrifice for her. And that is the origin behind priests being only male, as they are to minister in persona Christi.
I swear I'm not jamming my fingers rage typing in a pro-Jesus rant there: I just find it all interesting. I have my own struggles with Catholicism. And obviously my own marriage struggles.
A couple of thoughts... Modern feminism is a distorted version of what feminism was (purportedly) in the beginning. It has become about the conquering of men, not about equality. Like some other movements I won't mention, we seem to have moved past equality and now we are leaning towards cruelty and dominance. So in this case, I disagree with you. I was actually watching a great video on what feminism has become, I'd love to share it with you. Submission as a wife does not mean slavery. Please don't think being in a traditional marriage to a man and having kids amounts to sacrificing everything good in life, or becoming a "breeding factory" (yikes). If we are going to discuss the biblical design for marriage, it should be mentioned that the man is supposed to lead and protect his wife and family, and to love her more than himself, to give up his life for hers. He is commanded to sacrifice. If he is doing that, the rest falls into place.